Being present with children

A friend of mine who is the director of a preschool told me that before the kids' performances and programs, she advises parents to leave the video cameras off, or at home. It reminds us to think about the experience from the child's perspective. He is up on stage wanting to share with mom and dad something he's worked hard on. He feels proud and excited as he scans the room for his mom and dad. Yet he doesn't see dad's face, as it is hidden behind a camera. Imagine his disappointment when dad isn't smiling and waving, but fiddling with some metal device.

Technology allows us to preserve events to be watched again at a later date. But nothing compares to fully experiencing a special moment with your child while it is happening. When we are fully present and aware of the entire moment in all its splendor, those precious events are stored in our hearts--and our child's hearts--forever.

The Teachable Moment

If there's one thing my teaching career taught me it is to recognize the "teachable moment." It is that glimpse of time when the child is ready to hear what you have to offer, and if you can recognize it and seize it, you will do wonders for a young one.

With toddlers and preschoolers it can be difficult to recognize the teachable moment, because so often they eagerly want to "do it themselves" (even if they are incapable of doing so) that they often resist a parent's help. Also, toddlers and preschoolers behavior can be so off-putting at times, that one's initial reaction is to scold, lecture, or threaten punishment, rather than teach and guide.

However, most often kids just need their parents to tune in to what is behind their words and teach in a way that will reach them. Lecturing is often ineffective, because it feels repellent to a child who does want to figure it out for himself. Using stories is a terrific way to seize the teachable moment with 3 to 6 year olds, because children love stories, and because it feels less like being told what to do or how to do it.

A teachable moment happened this morning with my daughter. I was able to seize the moment because I was in a place of peace after having a little exercise and a productive, happy morning. She was trying to put on her doll's clothes and was getting frustrated, fussing, and asking for me to do it for her. My, "Honey, you can do it"s were met with "I can't, do it. I CAN'T!" Something in me saw the teachable moment and what was behind her words. She felt she needed some help, and perhaps she was just wanting some attention too. I stopped, got down on her level, and said, "Honey, you know what? When you say "I can't," your brain sends that message to your body, and then your hands don't work right. Look." Then aloud I said, "I can't" and attempted to clap my hands, but missed contact. Then I said, "I think I can" and clapped my hands together loudly and triumphantly. "If you say, "I think I can" that sends the message to your hands that you can do it, and then they work better! Here's how this doll top is supposed to go. Now, try saying "I think I can" and see if you can get your hands to work better."

There are a few things I want to remind myself about this encounter. 1) I was able to see the teachable moment because I myself was cared for and ready to be a great mom. 2) When I take the time to use a story or creative way to teach, we both end up more content and feeling closer to each other, and 3) Most of the time if I can listen for what is behind the words and tune into that, I can see an effective way to handle it.

Take care, and enjoy your teachable moments.

Three Qualities of Great Teachers and Parents

Think back to your favorite teacher in school, the one who made the most impact on your life. Which qualities did they embody that made them great? I am willing to bet that the qualities you came up with fall into one of three categories:


1) Having high expectations for you. Great role models are great because by having high expectations for their pupils, they teach them that students are capable of more than they once knew. Every child wants to feel competent and strong, but almost every human being needs someone to push them a little outside of their comfort zone in order to find out how good they can be.


2) Connecting to you as an individual. Some teachers are great because they make students believe that they matter. By showing a sincere interest in them, taking time to ask what's going on in their world, and sharing a little of themselves, these teachers build a child's self-concept by makeing them feel worthy of the teacher's time.


3) Offering some choice or freedom. The best teachers give students choices about how they learn and how they might show what they've learned, which allows them to assimilate new knowledge into an already stong passion or talent. It also shows trust to students who have proven they can handle some freedom and responsibility. When shown trust, most students want to be worthy of it, and they rise to meet the challenge.


These three categories represent what all children desire from their parents, teachers, and role models. My personal theory is that good parents embody all of these traits, and this helps them to raise children who know they are loved, know their own competence, and can handle responsibility and choices.

Natural Rewards and Consequences

For generations parents have relied on bribes and threats in order to get their children to do the things they want them to do. However, if children are too often rewarded they begin to expect to get something any time they act appropriately. On the other hand, if they are threatened with punishment too often, they begin to see their parents as adversarial and they never learn to be self-motivated for the greater good.

So, if we are to reduce our threats and bribes, what are we to do? Here's the good news. Each and every day, life is filled with natural rewards and consequences that will teach the child authentically that certain actions pay, and others do not. For example, most days with children include something enjoyable like a fun activity at home or a trip out. Rather than nagging our children to get their shoes on quickly, we can relax and know that if they dally, they do not get to enjoy the fun activity. Letting a child miss an activity due to dallying teaches them volumes more than having a parent nag them. Another way to look at it is, we do not need to reward the behavior of getting himself dressed with a sticker on a chart, because his reward comes when he gets to experience the joy of the activity.

Another great example occurred with my kids yesterday. I had them both in the jogging stroller on the way home from the park, when Evie took off her shoes. She does this often and I find it to be annoying, but this time I just picked them up and put them in the back of the stroller, knowing that soon enough a consequence would come up naturally. As predicted, when we neared our street, Eli asked, "can I get out and walk?" When I told him he could I knew what was coming: "Can I get out and walk too?" My reply was, "Oh shoot, you don't have shoes on. Sorry honey." A fit ensued, as I knew it would. This showed me that she was indeed feeling the consequences of her action, and assured me that most likely, she will not take her shoes off next time.

I am a firm believer in letting our children experience natural consequences. If we protect them from their failures, they will never learn. Likewise, we should make sure that every day has opportunities for natural rewards--fun activities and special times they look forward to. Not only are they fun for everyone, but they also help encourage children to work through their responsibilities.

If we constantly put ourselves in between the child and life's natural consequences, we become an adversary to our children when we don't need to. When we impose an artificial reward, like a sticker or candy, the prize becomes the goal, and it detracts from the internal reward of pride and satisfaction.

When life can teach our children all by itself, great parents let it do so. And a wonderful side effect is, it's so much more peaceful than nagging and bribing. Isn't life beautiful?

Food for Thought

Before I had my children I observed families closely, and one thing I was bound and determined not to have was picky eaters. I still don't know for sure whether picky eaters are born or made, but I am very happy with the approach we have taken with food. Friends and relatives have remarked how well our children eat real food without a fuss, so I thought I would share what has worked for us.

1) Make one meal at mealtime. If you start this approach from the time your children are babies, they will develop good habits of eating the food that is served. This rule goes hand in hand with #2 though.

2) Include at least one thing you know your child will like at every meal. This will insure that your child will eat something at each meal time and when he asks for more of the item he likes, you can let him know that he can after he eats the other foods.

3) Talk with children about what food does for the body. "This one helps you grow, that gives you energy to play, and those help keep you from getting sick!" When your kids understand from a very young age that food is something your body needs to do all the things it does, they no longer think of food as simply for pleasure and taste. Then if they encounter a food they don't care for, they can easily understand that it just needs to get into their body, even if it isn't pleasant going down. I will often say, "well, your body needs it, so you don't have to like it, but you do have to get it down to your body." Amazingly, they understand this and follow suit. Another benefit to this tip is that it sets the foundation for understanding about the importance of a balanced diet.

4) A little dessert is fine if the child has eaten his dinner. Dessert is a great motivator, and doesn't have to be an overindulgent one. We keep Jelly Bellies in the house, and often the kids will be allowed 5 or 6 of them if they eat a good dinner. That adds up to about 25 calories, and yet because each one is a different flavor, they are very excited to see what flavors they get. Dessert is never given unless they eat a good dinner first though.

5) Make meal time enjoyable with good conversation and story telling. Set a positive tone around mealtimes so that children enjoy this time together with you. This will set the stage for the coming together time that is such an important daily ritual. Be happy, talk about the day ahead at breakfast and reflect back on the day at dinner time.

6) Keep your little ones strapped in as long as possible! We still have our twins in their booster chairs with trays on them and they are 3 and a half. Why? Because we want it to instill the idea that at mealtimes we sit and eat, and leave the table when we are asked to be excused. By the time they move to big chairs, this will be automatic and won't require managing. It also works as incentive to work on good table manners. "When we get really good at using our forks and wiping our hands on napkins, we will get rid of the kid chairs and let you eat at the big table!"

7) Children ask to be excused from the table. This allows you to look at how they've done and require that some more bites of vegetables get eaten before they get down. If you've done a good job with number 3, they won't think you're torturing them. They will understand that their body needs the veggies. It also instills that we ask before we do certain things, which carries over into classroom etiquette and other rules in your home.

Create a home environment that reflects your values

Once parents have defined their deepest core values, they can take some great steps to creating an "intentional environment,"--a home that reflects and encourages the growth of those values. Here are some questions to reflect upon if you'd like to create a more intentional home environment.

1) What toys are allowed in my home? Why?


We as parents have the power to choose toys for our children that support them in whatever value they have. For example, toys that are "kid-powered," put the child in a creative role rather than a reactive one. Princess attire, if overdone, can send a message about valuing beauty rather than creativity or thinking. Guns and swords suggest a scary world where monsters or other people need to be slain. Parents have every right to choose and monitor which toys their children play with, and wonderful toy stores abound that have positive, constructive, creative learning and play in mind. When a friend or relative gives the gift of a toy that does not match our intentional environment, we don't have to make an uncomfortable scene, but can simply rotate the toy "out" once the guest has left.

2) How do we spend our time together?

Having consistent time spent talking and relating to one another sends the message that we as a family communicate regularly to build and strengthen our relationship. Time outdoors reflects the value of nature. Creating a ritual of dancing when the family comes back together after work values celebration and joy of living. It takes just a little effort to become more intentional about the little things a family does together, and yet it makes a lasting impression on your children.

3) What outside values do we let into our family's sphere?

It is always tough to find balance between creating a life around our own values and preparing children for the outside world. However, one thing many parents do not realize is that the television is more than an entertainment machine, it is a values machine. Millions of dollars are spent every year to influence your children to beg you to buy them things. Advertising's only goal is to get you to spend money, not to promote constructive values. Being very choosy about programs and how much time is spent watching television is crucial for creating an intentional environment.

4) How do my spouse and I interact in good times and bad?

Our children will take so much more from what we do than what you say, so one of the first places parents can look is within their relationship. Couples who have developed some rules for "fighting fair" are modeling how to disagree respectfully. It's okay for children to see us argue occasionally, but if we can retain respect when we do so, they will learn how to express their opinions with respect as well.

Flourishing families have one thing in common. They know why they do the things they do. It's a simple little thing that makes a world of difference.

Three Child-Rearing Types

Each school year I taught about 120 teenage students and therefore had the opportunity to work with 120 sets of parents. So in ten years of teaching I observed glimpses of the family dynamics of 1200 families and paid close attention to the type of parenting I noticed as correlated with the success or struggles their children had emotionally, socially, and academically. Most of what I observed came in parent-teacher conferences, as we would most often have the student and parents present together. With all that observational data, I developed a hypothesis. There was a certain parenting formula that seemed to breed success.

I would like to define success here. I am not only talking about high achievers and 4.0 students. I am thinking of students who seemed happy, worked to their potential, handled challenges, and showed motivation. Some of these were the 4.0 students, and others were B or C students who were working at the peak of their capacity.

The parents of students who fit the above description had high yet reasonable expectations for their children. They challenged them to do the best they could, but did not have black and white, "No C's in this family" type rules. They knew what their children were capable of and expected, challenged, and encouraged them to work at that level.

There was also a great deal of mutual trust--they communicated authentically with their children instead of taking on a "parent persona". Their children also communicated authentically with their parents, explaining where they were having trouble, admitting when they made mistakes, and celebrating success with their folks. Clearly a strong, trusting relationship had been built over time. These parents spent most of the conference time talking with their child rather than with me. I could see the love, respect, and trust between them. These conferences always warmed my heart.

They were definitely the leaders of the family, but had successfully learned when to guide and when to let the child take charge. This gave their children a sense of ownership over their own projects, classes, and activities. They listened to their kids and asked for their thoughts, yet set clear boundaries and said "no" when it was necessary. When they did set boundaries, the children did not question them, at least not in front of their teachers.

On the other hand, parents whose students did not do well most often fell into one of three categories: over-controlling, out of touch, or too permissive.

The over-controlling parents would come with a notebook, engage the teacher immediately and hardly glance at the child, who was most often daydreaming while staring out the window. The child knew that his mom or dad was taking charge of this situation. The child's education was his parents' baby, not his own. The parent wanted to know which assignments were missing and which could still be turned in, writing it all down. This parent would leave the conference saying something like, "Thank you. We'll take care of this. Come on Spencer, let's go."

The out of touch parent came in with no idea that the child was struggling, because somewhere along the line he had lost his connection with the child. The out of touch parent was most often rushing in, dressed in business attire, was looking around the classroom because it was the first time he'd seen it, and wanted to get through the conference quickly. He had few questions to ask, and was surprised to hear about all the things that were going on in the classroom and with his child. He was not involved with the child enough, and the child was beginning to rebel, probably after years of trying to gain attention in other ways.

Finally, the permissive parent would walk in sheepishly, embarrassed and fearful about what the teacher was going to say or what the child might do. The child would often doodle during the conference, respond to questions with "I dunno" type answers, and the parent would look at us and shrug her shoulders. This parent had lost control years ago and seemed to be desperately hoping the kid would somehow graduate and get a job despite that fact.

Research has shown that my hypothesis has some merit. Of the three general child-rearing types--authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive-- the authoritative type has the greatest success rate in raising strong, happy, intrinsically motivated and self-actualized young people. The other two types more often than not cause some problems and do not help children reach their greatest potential.

Authoritarian parents are so in charge that they do not effectively tune into their children. They may have very orderly homes and well-behaved, disciplined children, but the children have often not learned to think for themselves or express their opinions. They most often are extrinsically motivated by fear of consequences rather than intrinsically motivated by their own drive and passion. Over time, children of authoritarian parents are at risk for dramatic rebellion, as they may feel they can no longer fit the mold their parents have put in place for them and feel a strong need to find things out for themselves. On the other hand, they may be overly passive and submissive throughout their lives.

Authoritative parents set high yet reasonable expectations for their children, set clear boundaries of what is appropriate and inappropriate, and yet they have developed a strong relationship of trust with their children by listening to their children and supporting their inner selves.

Permissive parents have low expectations for their children and if they set boundaries, they are often unclear. Unclear boundaries invite testing, so their children learn that they can get away with a great deal, rarely having consequences. Over time, these children do not develop a sense of inner competence and can have low self-esteem. They may not be able to handle taking direction from others, persevering through a challenge, and may have formed a pattern of taking the easy way out of most situations.

For more information on these child-rearing types, click here.

The greatest factor for how people fall into these categories is how they themselves were raised. So people who were raised permissively are at risk of becoming permissive parents themselves or possibly becoming authoritarian out of the desire to be nothing like their parents. It is so vital for all parents to find the authoritative balance, and without a strong parental example, it often takes some "change agent" or catalyst to help them observe the situation objectively.

The ten years of observing parents certainly painted a clear picture for me what type of parent I wanted to become, and I felt it was a profound advantage I had entering into parenthood. Even so, being a mom still feels like a tightrope walk sometimes. From one moment to the next it is still not easy to know when to expect more from my kids and when to lovingly comfort them. When I find myself navigating those gray areas, I try to remember that if I lean over too far on one side from time to time, the strength of the relationship I have with my kids will allow it. We don't need to be perfect, we just need to try to be.

Parenting Strong-Willed Children

I have seen those babies who come into the world just to observe everything calmly and watch the world go by. They are the ones just gazing off in the distance as their mothers chat with their friends, go for a peaceful springtime stroll, or leisurely ponder which brand of cereal they will buy at the grocery aisle. I figured with having twins my chances of getting one of these children would be pretty good. Such was not the case. Both my children had minds of their own, but Eli is without a doubt, a strong-willed child.

My boy didn't cry as he came into the world, but peered intensely around the operating room trying to figure out his new environment. No fear at all, just setting into motion his plot to rule the place. In his later infancy, when distraction is the number one method for taking their minds off dangerous objects of desire, Eli would continue to point and scream for said object no matter what fun and exciting toy I'd put in front of him. I swear that if a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater happened by, he'd still be more interested in the glass vase, simply because he had chosen it and wasn't planning on changing his mind.

We called him "Sharky" because he would wake up screaming bloody murder when it was time to eat, and then he'd get to the breast and give it an emphatic chomp before quieting down. And being confined, forget about it!! I'd take my twins on a stroll outside so they could hear the birds and frogs, except the only thing anyone could hear was the crying and screaming for not being able to get out and touch the world! And every day the neighbor lady who was out primping her yard would say, "Wow, I've never heard of a baby not liking the stroller before!" And she passed on this helpful bit of information every. freaking. day.

And while most parenting experts say not to begin "timeouts" before a certain age, I could look in his eyes and know he was entirely aware of what he was doing. Timeouts for Eli began at nine months, as did my daily affirmation, "If this boy turns out to be a great kid, I am taking all the credit!"

I firmly believe that parents who are blessed with strong willed children just have to work harder in the early years. They are given children who demand them to be stronger, more informed, and more proactive than those who have more laid back babies. And I also believe that if these parents handle it well early, they will reap great benefits. After all, strong willed children will likely become driven, self-reliant, and intrinsically motivated people.

One of the hardest things about parenting a strong-willed child is that when their behavior escalates, we feel like we must be doing something wrong. These are children who will throw some dramatic tantrums, even if your approach is loving, even if your request is more than reasonable, and even if you do everything right. Here are some tips for dealing with a strong-willed toddler:

1) Don't budge on your non-negotiables. Every child is capable of learning that certain behaviors are not OK. Hitting, biting, throwing food, and screaming are some examples that must bring consequences, but your strong-willed child may very well decide to put up a huge fit before he complies. For non-negotiables, you must have a stronger will than the child and continue to not tolerate the behavior. I have been through some of the worst tantrums I have ever thought possible, and I can tell you, it has worked--my son always expressed remorse and showed much more respect and good behavior after it was over. But at the time it was seriously challenging and definitely had me wondering if I was handling it correctly.

2) Offer lots of choices. A strong-willed child does need to feel he has some autonomy, so offering options abundantly does help them feel empowered. Just make sure you are not offering choice in an area that needs to be up to the parents. For example, "would you like broccoli or carrots?" is much better than, "What would you like for lunch?" because parents should be in charge of meals to make sure they instill healthy eating habits. For more information about giving options, click here. 3) Tune into his needs and honor them whenever you can. Often strong-willed children have a lot of energy that needs burning doing creative, active, exploratory activities. Good rest is important too. Sturcture his day to include these things as much as you can. When his needs are met, he will be much more fulfilled and therefore more compliant when you need him to be.

4) Implement "floor time." If you spend 30 minutes of floor time with your child each day, fully present with him, in which you simply play, following his lead about how to play, he will feel much more satisfied than if you spend all day partially engaged and partially distracted.

5) Use the "less talk, more action" rule. Lengthy lectures are lost on toddlers. Little ones are like little scientists, observing the patterns of their world and making sense of them. I like the Love and Logic technique of using a key phrase every time a non-negotiable is broken. Personally, I say "Uh-oh, in an upbeat voice. (The upbeat voice helps me to stay light and not clench my teeth!!) Then I do a disciplinary action. Very soon the child learns, "When I act badly, my life gets worse." Once they have gotten under control I do not belabor and lecture about why it went wrong, what he is not supposed to do, etc. The idea is to make time "in" more fun than time out, so I say, "All better? Ready to come play now?" Very quickly they learn that if they act appropriately, they get to be in the fun, interactive part of the house. If they don't, they'll be by themselves and don't get attention. If used consistently, it does not take long before they hear "uh-oh" and immediately change their behavior.

6) Stay calm. Believe me, I have lost it before. And not once has it helped. Tantrums may get intense, and they may last longer than you expected, but staying calm and applying your rules consistently will work much more effectively than getting angry. That being said, your consequences for unacceptable, escalating behavior may have to become more intense, but your emotions don't have to. Big reactions tell the child, "I can control how mom acts and watch her eyes get big by acting out." Staying calm reinforces the idea that when the child behaves badly, his life gets more difficult, not yours.










http://myparentpage.blogspot.com/2009/02/how-to-effectively-offer-choices.html

Three questions that all expectant couples should ask themselves

Before a couple's first baby arrives, they should spend a lot of time talking--about their fears of entering this new phase of life, about their hopes for the baby and themselves, about how they'd like their life to look after the baby arrives, and perhaps most importantly, what kind of parents they want to be. Here are three important questions any couple should discuss before having their baby.

1) How was I raised? The greatest factor determining what kinds of parents we'll be is what kind of parents we had. By bringing awareness to what they want to pass on to the next generation and what they want to leave behind, couples can parent from a more intentional, proactive mindset. I have observed that if conscious choice and visualization of the intended parenting style is integrated, even people who come from less than ideal circumstances can become outstanding parents.

2) What do I like/dislike about the parents I observe? Observe and evaluate the people around you who are already parents as often as you can. This is a great beginning step to creating your own parenting style. Watch how a mom in the grocery store handles a child's tantrum and discuss with each other how you think you'd handle it. Look at how dads interact with their children at the park. If you encounter an expert parenting moment, write down what you saw to remember for later. When having these discussions with your partner, it is great to have each person think of their own answer before sharing, so you can see how closely your answers matched up. Don't panic if they don't match up at all. Discussing the rationale for your answers will give you insight into how each of you operates.

3) Which of my strengths do I want most to pass on? By defining your personal strengths, you begin to see what you value, which can become the foundation for your parenting choices. Celebrate your strengths and look for ways you can incorporate them into your parenting decisions. For example, a parent who values a strong work ethic will make sure that his children have some chores to do every day that match his developmental abilities. A parent who values communication will help a child define their feelings of anger, joy, and sadness. Explore and celebrate what you are good at, and make parenting decisions that amplify those strengths.

Some Questions are Better Than Others

When children return home from school or some activity, it is natural for parents to want to hear all about their experiences, so often we'll ask "What did you do today?" only to receive the let down answer, "Oh nothing." Our kids aren't trying to be distant, but it's just too much to remember everything that happened, and after a long day they don't feel like giving the run-down. It is more effective to ask a specific question that will help the child hone in on one meomorable event or feeling. Here are some great questions to ask your kids at the dinner table, when they return home, or at bedtime. I list them here, but the idea is not to ask them one after the other.

We have gotten into the habit of asking the first one with our three year olds before bed, because it sends them to sleep thinking about a positive experience they had. Often times if we forget to ask, they'll call us in after we've put them down and ask, "Mom, what was your favorite part of the day?" I'll often choose a pleasant moment we shared together, so that I can reinforce their good qualities and make them feel proud. Not to mention that I get the best hugs after that!

1) What was your favorite part of the day today?

2) What is one good thing that happened to you today?

3) What is one thing you were proud of today?

4) Who was really nice today?

5) What was one moment that you specifically remember?

6) What did your teacher say to you today?

7) Was there anything you did today that you'd change if you could?

8) Who were you a good friend to today?

9) What did you notice about nature/the sky/the weather today?

10) Is there anything you want to remember for tomorrow?

A few thoughts about parenting teenagers

One of the reasons teenagers can be so challenging for parents is because of their strong desire to take charge of their own lives, before they really have the ability and wisdom to do so. As teens near adulthood they fluctuate back and forth between wanting to remain a child and be taken care of, and pulling away from parents as they feel the pressure that comes from knowing that soon they'll be on their own and will need to rely on themselves. As a result, teenagers often clash with their parents, whom they need but don't want to need. Nothing will make this stage perfectly smoothe, but keeping a few things in mind might lessen the tension and help keep communication lines open.

1) Create time in your week when you are driving somewhere or doing something active together. Teenagers are more likely to open up and talk to you about their lives and feelings when they are not sitting face to face. Teens do share with their parents, but sometimes it takes just the right situation to bring it out.

2) Teens often do want to talk with their parents, but it can come at unexpected times. I would encourage parents to take full advantage of the times their teens open up, even if it means putting off some responsibilities. Adolescence is a difficult stage of life, and just being there when they do need you is vital.

3) When they are sharing a problem with you, try not to leap into giving advice or solving the problem. One thing you can do is ask them guiding questions that help them find their own solutions, such as, "Have you thought of how you might deal with this?" You can also ask if they are open for ideas or suggestions. Asking first lets them know you'll understand if they want to solve it on their own, but also that you're there to help.

4) Allow them to stretch their wings in situations where they will not be harmed. Teens are seeking more freedom, and they will likely ask for more and more rope throughout these years. When you allow them to make some choices of their own, even if you don't love those choices, this shows them that you understand their need to make their own way. A great example is if they want to color their hair. While you may hate the way people perceive their hair and how it might reflect upon you, colored hair will not harm them in any way. When parents make these "yes" deposits, teenagers will better understand when you need to put your foot down and say no, because they will see you as reasonable people who understand and care for them. With that said, it is important to discuss the "why's" of a situation, so you know where their motivation is coming from.

5) Remember that even if their body language doesn't show it, teenagers really do listen to their parents and want to be close to them. My years of working with teens have proven this to be undoubtedly true. So many times I have heard teens say they'd love to talk to their parents about things, but that they just don't believe they understand. Stay as involved as you can and know that they are hearing you, even when it doesn't seem like it.

Seeing the Signs of Joy

One of the best ways to know you are doing a good job parenting is when you see the little signs of joy coming from your kids. If your kids are generally happy and upbeat in life, it likely means they have the right balance of freedom and guidance, play and responsibility, self-direction and parent involvement. Any time you see them running with fervor, engaged and focused in an activity, or yelling, "Hey mom, look what I did!" remind yourself that you are doing a great job. Parenting takes a great deal of patience, thought, and putting yourself last, so make sure you take advantage of the joys, and pat yourself on the back!

I couldn't have said it better myself

http://www.positiveparentcoaching.com/articles/003.htm

I love this article about the ups and downs of reward/punishment, so I thought I'd post it here for you to read.

Observing Out Loud Instead of Telling What to Do

I think this idea came from How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk...First, let me say that I am not afraid of telling my kids if something needs to be done. However, if directing is done too frequently it loses its potency, not to mention that the kids aren't given the opportunity to draw their own conclusions about what needs to be done. So an alternative that works surprisingly well is to observe a situation out loud and see how they respond to it. For example, if a child has forgotten to put his dishes in the sink, you could say, "Oh, I see someone's dishes are still on the table." You'll be amazed when suddenly in walks a little one to come and put them away. I once used this technique when there was a squabble over a toy. "Oh, I see two kids who aren't working to solve their problem" and then the solutions came pouring out of them like magic.

A spin-off of this is to become the dummy. "Oh no, I see a cup on the table and I don't know what to do." or, "Oh no, I see that you are fighting. I've forgotten what we do when we both want the same toy. How are we going to solve this?" Not only is it fun to take on a different stance, it is amazing to see how the kids will step up and be the "grown-ups."

Knowing What's Coming Makes All the Difference

If there's one thing I know about small children is that they function much better if they know what's coming. If they have to give up their turn, it helps them a great deal to be forewarned. "One more minute Eli, and then it's Evie's turn" is something I say many times a day, and it just makes everything run smoothly.

This concept also helps when something fun is going to end. You know how children love to do things over and over? A great way to handle this is to say, "Okay, this is the last one." The fact that they get to do it once more before it ends makes a world of difference.

Another example is when there is work to be done. If a child knows in advance that there is a job to be done, he is much more able to happily comply than if it is sprung on him suddenly. This can be done several ways:

1) Simply let them know before an activity ends, that after it's over you will be cleaning up.

2) At breakfast write a work/play list where you plan the activities you'll be doing that day. This way they will be able to anticipate that there will be some work and some fun. This parallels life, so why not instill this notion early?

3) Kids will work hard when anticipating a fun activity. For example, if you are going to do fingerpainting, let the kids know that as soon as their room is cleaned up, they get to go paint. This instills that work comes before play. Also, because they are anticipating a fun activity, they will work quickly, and learn how efficiently they can complete a task.

A little way to broaden your child's vocabulary

One thing that all moms of toddlers and preschoolers do constantly is respond to their children's musings. "Look at this mommy," is something most moms hear about 223 times a day. One small way to advance your children's vocabulary (and add some variety to your life) is to respond with new expressions as often as you can. Rather than, "Wow, that's pretty neat," add in an occasional, "Fabulous," "That's unique," or any other appropriate phrase for the situation.

I'll never forget the first time I asked my son if he'd get something for me and he said, "Of course, mom." I realized that if I had taught him "of course" just by saying it, then I could also teach him, "I'd be happy to do that for you," "absolutely," and "it would be my pleasure." I really look forward to hearing that one someday!

Praise that instills authentic self-esteem

Praise is a great parenting tool, but should be used to instill authentic self-esteem. Authentic self esteem comes when children have experiences that teach them about their positive qualities. For example, a child who learns to pick up his own toys gains a self-image that says, "I help my family and take care of my own things." One who tries something new and learns how to do it gains the identity, "I can try new things and learn quickly." When praise comes along with the experience, it confirms that internal positive feeling, making the child feel wonderful about himself, and encouraging his good behavior.

Inauthentic self-esteem on the other hand, comes when a child has been praised incessantly, even if he hasn't had the positive experiences to go along with the message. He might have the idea "Everyone thinks I am cute and wonderful" but he doesn't necessarily feel cute and wonderful inside, because the praise has come even when he hasn't felt wonderful himself. This creates confusion about the child's own self-worth.

I offer the following guidelines for praising to build authentic self-esteem:


1) Specific praise is best.

"I love how you worked through your frustration and kept trying new ways to fit the pieces together. That shows perseverance." is better than, "Good job on that puzzle!" because the child will learn what specific behaviors he's doing well. That will encourage him to embody those traits later, and an added bonus is the vocabulary that comes along with it.

2) Praise often, but not every time.

If you praise a child all the time, she will come to expect the praise, and this might create a pattern of reliance on extrinsic, rather than an intrinsic motivation. In other words, the child will be doing things to get praise rather than for the internal beauty of the experience. Also, if praised too often, the praise becomes watered down, and then it is less effective in confirming a real stride the child has made.

3) Don't praise if the child has done something less than she is capable of.

If you praise a child when she has done less than her best she will not only develop low expectations of herself, but also question your authenticity, because children really know inside if they have done their best or not. That being said, you may find one thing she truly did well, praise that, but then also encourage her to improve on the rest of the task.

4) Praise for process, not product.

If a child has persevered, worked hard at a task, tried something new, or taken a real risk, that is definitely praiseworthy, even if the final product is not perfect. A good example is when a child is learning to make her bed and she tries over and over to get it right. Even if the bed is still not perfectly made, she has worked at the top of her game, and praise for the perseverance and effort are certainly appropriate.

Avoiding "Auto-Pilot" Parenting

As a parent coach, my mission is to help parents move out of what I call "auto-pilot parenting" and into aware, intentional, optimal parenting. When we are in auto-pilot mode, we are generally operating in one of two ways:

1) Doing what our parents did.

If you had wonderful parents, then this isn't terrible, but it still is not optimal, for two reasons. First of all, your parents lived in a different time. Parenting today truly does offer different challenges than your parents faced. Optimal parenting is being aware of today's challenges and taking them on in a way that puts your own values at the forefront. Secondly, your children are not you. While there are some tried and true techniques, each one will work differently depending on a child's temperament. Optimal parenting considers the individual child, whereas auto-pilot parenting does not.

2) Not doing what our parents did.

Many of us enter parenting determined to do the exact opposite of what our parents did. The problem with this type of auto-pilot parenting, is that most often, we swing the pendulum too far in the other direction. For example, someone raised in an overly strict environment reacts to this by becoming far too lenient. Optimal parenting is balanced, aware, and intentional, not reactive.

Future Visualizations Impacting Present Decisions

One thing I often do with parents is ask them to visualize an ideal future with their child in it. For the parents of infants, I have them see their child as a two-year old in a restaurant, visiting a friend's house, or on a nature hike. For parents of teens I might take them to an imaginary cafe with their adult child, where they are meeting for lunch. In whatever situation I describe for them, it is very important that they see and feel the scenario exactly as they would most like it to be.

Once they can clearly envision their most desired scenario in such settings, we can then measure their day to day parenting decisions against that preferred future in order to determine if the choices they are making now are aligned toward that dream or away from it.

For instance, one client saw their infant-as-two-year-old in a restaurant, happily playing with some toys on the table, and when the food arrived, eating some of everything on her plate. With that outcome in mind we examined how the parent could approach food choices when the baby is six months old. We came up with the idea to offer a variety of foods and consistently re-introduce foods that did not get a favorable response the first time. By doing so, the baby not only will more likely acquire a taste for all kinds of healthy foods, but she also learns the message over time that while we may like the taste of some foods over others, we put lots of different ones in our bodies because that is what keeps us healthy. Food is not only about pleasure, but also about giving our bodies what they need.

Secondly, I suggested that at an early age we can talk to our babies about what each food does for the body. "That egg will help your body grow and the toast will give you energy to play." By laying this kind of groundwork early, children learn the important role that a well-balanced diet plays for their health.

A good question for parents of children any age to ask themselves is, "Is this action moving me toward my dream or away from it?" Parents who act in ways that move them toward their dreams find great joy, love, and fulfillment in their family life, and it brings me tremendous satisfaction to help parents find this.

Making the Hard Decisions--A personal experience

Let me set the stage. Eli and Evelyn have private swimming lessons. It is a wonderful program and they are learning a lot very quickly, which is why two times a week I pack up all of our swimming gear, (including my own, because it is less expensive if I swim with one of the kids), a lunch for the kids to eat in the car (complete with a fruit snack for the ride home so they don't fall asleep and ruin my, I mean their naptime), drive 25 minutes each way, and spend 15 minutes on each end of the lesson getting us all undressed, showered and taken to the bathroom, all for a 15-minute session in the pool. To put it mildly, it is a high cost to benefit ratio, and I haven't even mentioned the price!

So today, for some odd reason, Eli decided to throw a weird fit about getting down the stairs first. It was one of those out of the blue behaviors that I haven't seen since before he was two, and for some reason he had decided this was the battle he was willing to fight. Leaving him on the floor to have a fit, I helped Evie get her swimsuit on and informed him that if he continued this behavior, he would lose his opportunity to swim. I was shocked that he didn't immediately calm down and start taking his clothes off--he loves swimming, and he is at an age where he can control his emotions pretty well. But for some reason, he wanted to push it, and not only did his behavior not improve, it got worse.

Parents often find themselves in this type of situation. They threaten to take something away that the parent wants to happen and the child loves, thinking that that will solve the problem. When it doesn't solve the problem, parents are often tempted to give a second chance, another opportunity for the child to change the behavior. But if kids think they can act horribly and will always be given a second chance, they are more likely to revisit this behavior again, expecting their parents to give them an out.

No out for Eli today. He sat fully clothed on my lap and watched Evie dive off the diving board, swim on her back, and receive hand stamps for great behavior. After packing the lunch and the bag, after spending the money for the lesson, after driving 25 minutes to get there, I told the teacher, "just one child today!" And because I made that decision, I am almost certain that it will never happen again.

One hard, natural consequence is about the fastest teaching tool you can give your kids--even if it means wasting a great deal of your own effort. In these types of situations, I always try to remember that. As for Eli, he got the message. He sat quietly and watched his sister. At the end of the lesson he asked if he could have a hand stamp. When I told him that those were for kids who swam, he said, "Ok mom, I'll get one next time."

Tip for Tantrums

The Happiest Toddler on the Block has a tip for dealing with toddler tantrums called the "fast food rule." The premise is that toddlers, just like all of us, want to know their feelings are heard, and that if we report their feelings out loud to them in "toddler-ese," they will calm down faster, because they know we understand . So if they are having a fit about something it often helps to speak their feelings out loud to them with the sense of urgency that they feel. It is called the fast food rule because when you go to a drive up window and order what you want, they tell it right back to you exactly as you ordered it.

Here's an example: A toddler grabs an unsafe item, and you take it away, telling him it's not safe. A fit ensues. You say, "You're mad, mad, mad. You want the scissors, and you're mad!" Usually this will help them start to calm down, and then you can say, "Scissors aren't safe for kids though," and hand them something else that is. It sounds silly, but when toddlers are having tantrums, I recommend using any tool that works, and this seems to.

Never interrupt free creative play

Self-created, initiative-driven play is the best kind of play for children's brain development, so a good rule to remember is that when your children are independently playing nicely, don't ever interrupt it if you can avoid it. When your children make up their own games, engage in make-believe, and use their imaginations, this is evidence that they are developing cognitively, emotionally, socially, and also growing a healthy long attention span. These are the times to enjoy a moment to yourself and get something done, while basking in the knowledge that your kids are doing exactly what is best for them.

As I write this, one of my twins is pretending to be a kitten, and the other is leading her around the house on a "leash." I planned on taking them outside for a jogging stroller ride to the park. However, I will not do anything to disrupt the learning that is taking place, so we will go after this game has run its full course.

How to effectively offer choices

Offering choices for toddlers and preschoolers is very important, but needs to be done well. Giving choices is so effective because it helps young children feel like they have some power in their lives, which they desperately want. It also helps them comply happily to requests, because they are the ones choosing. Here are some tips for effectively offering choices to kids:

1. Offer two choices. Chocolate or vanilla, this shirt or that shirt, apple or banana. Kids can handle two options, but they get overwhelmed and stressed by too many options.

2. Make sure you can live with both choices you offer. Never offer a choice you can't live with, and decide before you offer it.

3. Use choice to help get the required daily things done. Here are some examples: Would you like to go potty now or in one minute? Would you like to clean up the puzzle first or the paints?
Would you like to brush teeth before or after putting pajamas on?

4. Offer choice very frequently, but not always. Kids need to learn that sometimes they don't get a choice. Meals might be a time when they don't get a choice, but always have one thing on their plate you know they like.

Respectfully Argue in Front of Your Kids

It's good practice in a marriage to "fight fair" anyway, so every couple should work to achieve a way to interact when they disagree that is still respectful and loving of their spouse. Once this is achieved, I think it's a great thing for children to occasionally see an argument in action.

Why? By seeing a respectful but heated discussion about an issue, children learn many positive life lessons:

1) You can love someone and still disagree with them. They will realize over time that love is not lost in an argument and if nurtured in a healthy, loving environment with occasional arguments, children will grow into adults who stand up for themselves and handle conflict appropriately and confidently when it arises. They will neither shy away from nor seek out conflict, but they will appropriately and maturely handle it when it comes up, because they are not afraid that it will mean the loss of love.

2) Everyone's right and wrong some of the time. By seeing you give in when you realize you are wrong, they will learn to be fair, logical, and seek the truth in situations, rather than seeking to be "right."

3) When you really believe in something, you should "fight" for it. If spouses can logically make arguments with reasons to support their points, children learn to think this way and learn that there are ideals worth standing up for. This helps them grow into adults with strong principles and the ability to defend those principles.

It goes without saying that parents should not fight, scream, yell, or curse at each other in front of the children. But I truly believe that healthy discourse, even a little heated at times, is a wonderful teaching tool, as long as it is done with respect and as long as the majority of interactions children observe in their parents are positive, supportive, and loving.

Toy Choices for Little Ones

Every choice we make for our children is a choice that helps shape them in one way or another. Toy selection is one choice that our parents didn't have to think very hard about, but in this day and age it is a whole different story.

Have you ever noticed that most of the toys today do all the work? A classic example is one my children were given when they were very little. It was an air blower that played music and blew balls through its tube when a button was pushed. All the child had do to was push a button, and the toy responded with flashy music and balls flying everywhere. The child did nothing but passively watch. The toddler has no decisions to make, no effort to put forth, no struggle to contend with. If he learns any type of message (and children are learning something from every experience!) it is that I have to do very little and the world entertains me.

Do you remember when leggos used to be just leggos and dolls were just dolls? Nowadays leggos come in sets with only one option for putting them together and many baby dolls do so many actions on their own there is nothing left for the child to do but watch it. Where is the creativity, the make believe, the decision-making on the part of the child?

In considering which toys to buy your little one ask yourself this question: Who is doing the "work" of play--the toy or the child?

Wonderful toys that are brain-development compatible for children allow the child to make the decisions about how to play with them. Some examples are building blocks, leggos (not leggo sets), dolls, trains, play dough, puppets, stuffed animals, blank paper, paints, and crayons, and jigsaw puzzles.

Most cities have privately owned toy stores that specialize in "kid-centered" toys. "Kazoodles" in Vancouver, Washington is a great one, and "Child's Play" on NW 23rd is another that's even larger. Another benefit of shopping in these types of stores is that you will not find television characters on every toy, which encourage children to get attached to some character so that your child begs you to watch that character on TV. The peace of mind you'll feel in knowing those toys encourage your child's own thinking is worth the extra money, and by supporting such stores you are supporting those values.

Often parents feel a pressure to keep their little ones entertained. Actually, when allowed free time and space to play independently and toys that spark creativity and wonder, children entertain themsleves in ways that help them grow into healthy thinkers and decision-makers.

For more information on this topic, read The Case for Make Believe by Susan Linn.

Tip of the Week: Grocery shopping with toddlers

I have never taken my twins to the grocery store without a sliced apple. First, it keeps them occupied for much of the trip so I can focus. Second, it is healthy and the only choice available, so I know they will eat it, and I feel good about that. Third, it can be used as bribery for behavior improvement if a need arises, and finally, it prevents them from asking for other, less healthy food they see in the bakery.

Tip of the Week: Talk to the kids as if they're adults.

Building a strong vocabulary early on is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child, which is why reading, labeling their world verbally, and speaking to children in complete, clear sentences are all so important. There is actually a link between language development and overall cognition, because language is so intertwined with meaning.

Use "big" words with your children, even at an early age, and they will come back to surprise and delight you by using them too. I will never forget when my just turned two-year-old turned to me at the local park and said, "Mom, the black swing's available." "What?" I replied. "You would like a bagel?"

Empowered Parents

I find it sadly interesting that when preparing for their babies' arrival, most parents take some sort of birthing class to prepare for bringing their little one into the world, and I've never heard of any preparatory class for what to do when the baby arrives. And yet the birth takes a day or two, and the parental life of the child takes about twenty years.

I believe that aside from people who have deep-seeded issues stemming from childhood or trauma, and aside from the "superparents" who read and discuss every parenting book on the market, the majority of new parents enter into the most life-changing and vitally important phase of life and "wing it," working incredibly hard, but mostly reacting and responding to what life and their baby brings them.

The greatest influence over what type of parents we become is how we ourselves were parented. Therefore, the average parent reacts to the demands of parenting in one of two ways: 1) doing what their parents did. (Indeed, most of us find ourselves surprised to hear our parents words streaming out of our mouths when we swore we never would say them!) and 2) adamantly refusing to parent the way their parents did, thereby swinging the pendulum too far in the other direction, taking an approach that is either too lenient, too strict, or too reactive to certain situations.

I am working on a curriculum for a two to three-hour class that will help new parents transcend this adequate-but-not-optimal approach to parenting by raising questions and examing key issues that will help them create their own desired parenting style well before their baby arrives, a style that is aligned with their deepest core values and that responds actively to today's parenting challenges. Once we have co-created this parenting style, I offer scenarios for the parents to discuss, so that before those typical challenges arrive, they have already envisioned how to respond to situations in ways that align with their greatest vision. No challenge seems insurmountable when one has visualized and practiced the scenario many times before.

When parents define their values and consciously choose to make parenting decisions that stem from those values, then rather than reacting, they are consciously, intentionally parenting. This leads to less inner conflict, more self-assuredness, and more peace in the home.

Food for Thought

We have the opportunity when our kids are very young to decide which habits, rituals, and everyday ideas permeate their lives. They only know what they are exposed to, so they do not know that what you do in your home might be quite different from what other people do in theirs. I encourage parents to use this stage to parent in ways that are consistent with their values and that create great habits for their little ones.

For example, a baby who is offered a variety of healthy foods does not know that sweets exist, and by offering healthy choices early on, you are shaping their taste buds to try new things and learn what real, healthy food tastes like. I have never understood people's desire to give sugar-laden foods to babies, when this stage is the opportune time to instill healthy eating habits. If you give a baby sweets, they are more likely to become those picky-eating toddlers that refuse healthy food and make you worry if they are getting enough nutrition. My pediatrician once said, "I've never seen a kid starve himself." I suggest offering only healthy foods in the early stages of life. Once those good healthy eating habits are in place, then an occasional treat is certainly fine.

Early childhood is also a time when children have no expectations, and so I offer that parents do not need to go crazy for birthday parties and holidays. Kids at this age don't know what to expect, so what you plan for their early birthdays becomes the foundation for what they will expect in future years. I want my children to appreciate time with friends and family, a special meal, some fun games to play, and making a wish on a birthday cake. With all these special occurrences, I don't believe that they need to start expecting birthday presents, clowns, or frivolous theme parties which only raise the bar so high that they'll never be able to match it again. My choice to ask for no gifts comes from my desire to have my kids appreciate the little things in life. It also comes as a reflection of my own childhood. I remember being little and thinking,"I wonder how many presents I'll get this year." Over time, I expected more and more, and Christmas for me was reduced to the material.

The above is just an example of how parents can consciously choose how our traditions reflect our values. I don't have any problem with birthday presents per se; I am just using this instance to illustrate my point.

I believe that the strongest parents are very aware of their values and consistently parent from them, creating a world for their children that reflects and helps instill those values. The first few years of a child's life is a prime opportunity, because children will not yet see on a regular basis how "everyone else is doing it." I encourage parents to take advantage of that opportunity.

The "cool teacher" syndrome

Most of us had one at some point in our high school years--the teacher that was trying to be the "cool teacher." He was the one that thought he'd relate to us by getting down on our level, allowing us lots of freedom, and upholding few standards or rules in the classroom. Of course we all liked that class--we were teenagers and were all too happy to get away with late assignments, talking in class, and behaving in all sorts of ways we never would in our other classes.

But the fact of the matter is we only loved that teacher when he was giving us what we wanted. As soon as he tried to take control back, the love was gone. When our behavior got out of hand and he tried to enforce some order, it was too late. He had already given the students the power in the classroom and we were not about to give it back to him without a battle. We did not respect him, nor did we believe that he could be our leader.

The only way the cool teacher could earn our respect was to become like the teachers he thought we "didn't relate to." And he would have to become like them for a long time before we would relinquish our control of the class. He would have to uphold rules. He would have to discipline us. He would have to require us to work.

He thought he was reaching us on our level, when in fact we didn't want to model ourselves after a grown adult that hung out with teenagers. Beyond our surface level desire to give only what was expected of us, we wanted to aspire to more. We wanted to be pushed to be stronger and better than our own momentary emotional desires. We wanted to learn.

The cool teacher is not the one who receives letters years after the students have graduated. He's not the one who made a difference in our lives, who helped us find out that we could be more than we imagined we could be. He is not a great teacher.

The "cool teacher" is a good lesson for parents. Great parents love and adore their children, no doubt. But they are strong examples and leaders who teach their children how to be stronger than their immediate impulses. Great parents do not let the children dictate how things will work in the household. They set the rules, the standards, and the guidelines and make sure that children uphold them. Of course they allow a great deal of choice for their kids within those boundaries, but they set boundaries. They withstand the whining, they outlast the tantrums, and they say "no" when what children want is not what is best for them.

When children grow up in a happy, loving environment with parents who teach, guide, and set boundaries, they love their parents on many levels. They love playing and having fun with their parents. They love the consistency of knowing what is expected and how to behave. They love trusting that their parents will be there to guide the way in tough times. And finally, they love and respect their parents for helping them become all that they can be.

Another idea about toy clean up

This comes from Parenting with Love and Logic, which has been a helpful resource. It is never good to keep nagging toddlers/preschoolers to do their responsibilities because it gives them all the power to drag the process out. It is much easier just to offer an alternative choice. If my kids stall and play around and don't get to work, I simply say I'll set the timer and when it beeps, everything left out goes in the "big bag." That means what's left gets taken away. I have also said, "If you don't clean up the toys, I can clean them up." They know that this means they will get cleaned up for good, and they have only once chosen this option.

Many parents might think this approach is too tough, but my kids have a lot of love, fun, and play in their lives. Taking care of their own responsibilities is something that I believe needs to be a "given." I also don't believe that most kids will naturally, happily complete their jobs without some training.

What I can say is that after having done some training in this area my twins most often happily clean up, looking forward to showing me how "proud" they are of the room they cleaned. I can't remember the last time the "big bag" came out.

One important reason to limit TV

One important difference between interactive play in the 3-dimensional world and watching a 2-dimensional TV screen is that when engaged in play, the child is the one making all the decisions: about what to play with next, how to manipulate toys, what they will create, what they will imagine, and how they will interact with the environment. Through this process they are learning about their world--they decide which objects in their environment are important to pay attention to and which are less important, and they make their own decisions about how to interact with the environment. This decision making is key to the optimal development of the cerebral cortex, especially in early childhood.

On the other hand, when engaged in TV watching, the producers of that program have decided what the child is supposed to notice by deciding what object comes next on the screen, while the child passively follows, their higher brain functions lulled to sleep while the low brain is mesmerized with images. What's worse, too often those images come very fast. The time it takes for a brain to process new information is five to seven seconds, but in many programs a new object emerges every two to three seconds, demanding that the childs' focus moves to the new object before it has had time to process the previous one.

The national average for television viewing is 4 to 5 hours every day. Every hour spent in this way is time that children are not moving their bodies, which is also essential for brain development. It is time spent not making their own decisions, and not engaging the real, tangible, 3-dimensional world they live in.

One thing parents can do in addition to limiting or eliminating television viewing for little ones is to watch with the children and pause to discuss what's happening, ask questions, and label images with the accompanying vocabulary. Asking children to anticipate what will happen next also taps into higher level thinking processes. This insures that proper processing of the images is happening and provides more time necessary for children to think about what is occuring on the screen.

My Story

Before becoming a mother I was a middle and high school teacher, and in my ten years as an educator I developed a strong sense of what approach and techniques worked best for helping students reach their greatest potential, and I felt that much of what I learned in the classroom would carry over to parenting. I enjoyed watching parents around me and asking myself if I would handle situations the same way or differently than they did. Over time I developed an idea of what I thought my parenting style would be, even before I was ever pregnant.

In 2005 I found out I would have the wonderful opportunity to practice my theory on not one child, but twins. I left teaching to stay home and raise my children, and as they grew from babies to preschoolers I have confirmed that my beliefs about teaching and parenting indeed often coincide. I have developed a personal philosophy about raising and guiding children that has come from my experiences. While I know that each and every family is unique, I do believe that some parenting techniques are optimal for helping children grow into happy, healthy, empowered people.

I share my ideas here as a record for myself, to aid in my future coaching practice, and for anyone who is interested in reading them.

Tip of the Week: Toy Clean-Up

It is my opinion that cleaning up their toys should be the children's responsibility pretty much from the time they develop their grasping motion! But seriously, the sooner they start having responsibilities, the more likely it becomes an ingrained, automatic expectation and it should start with their own things. I also believe that strong willed children will try many tricks to get away with not doing it and you have to nip that in the bud. (Believe me, I know strong-willed. If my boy has learned to clean up his toys, then anyone can!)

I recommend making up your own lighthearted "Clean-Up" song that you sing every time they pick up their toys. It creates a positive tone and as the chilidren get older they will go into automatic response when they hear/sing the song.

Another great way to instill this is to have some wonderful activity or snack coming and then let them know that it will happen as soon as the toys are put away. They will hop to it quickly, and then that becomes the standard they get used to. To be honest, I pretty much use any exciting activity as an opportuniy to get some responsibilities done first!

But when they first start, let there be no question that it is their job. If they don't clean up, their life only gets worse until they do. Any kid worth his salt will fight it at first, and by all means let them win if you want to be picking up after them when they are fifteen! Just remember, you are giving them the gift of a strong self-perception that says, "I can take care of my own things and I help the family."