Parenting Strong-Willed Children

I have seen those babies who come into the world just to observe everything calmly and watch the world go by. They are the ones just gazing off in the distance as their mothers chat with their friends, go for a peaceful springtime stroll, or leisurely ponder which brand of cereal they will buy at the grocery aisle. I figured with having twins my chances of getting one of these children would be pretty good. Such was not the case. Both my children had minds of their own, but Eli is without a doubt, a strong-willed child.

My boy didn't cry as he came into the world, but peered intensely around the operating room trying to figure out his new environment. No fear at all, just setting into motion his plot to rule the place. In his later infancy, when distraction is the number one method for taking their minds off dangerous objects of desire, Eli would continue to point and scream for said object no matter what fun and exciting toy I'd put in front of him. I swear that if a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater happened by, he'd still be more interested in the glass vase, simply because he had chosen it and wasn't planning on changing his mind.

We called him "Sharky" because he would wake up screaming bloody murder when it was time to eat, and then he'd get to the breast and give it an emphatic chomp before quieting down. And being confined, forget about it!! I'd take my twins on a stroll outside so they could hear the birds and frogs, except the only thing anyone could hear was the crying and screaming for not being able to get out and touch the world! And every day the neighbor lady who was out primping her yard would say, "Wow, I've never heard of a baby not liking the stroller before!" And she passed on this helpful bit of information every. freaking. day.

And while most parenting experts say not to begin "timeouts" before a certain age, I could look in his eyes and know he was entirely aware of what he was doing. Timeouts for Eli began at nine months, as did my daily affirmation, "If this boy turns out to be a great kid, I am taking all the credit!"

I firmly believe that parents who are blessed with strong willed children just have to work harder in the early years. They are given children who demand them to be stronger, more informed, and more proactive than those who have more laid back babies. And I also believe that if these parents handle it well early, they will reap great benefits. After all, strong willed children will likely become driven, self-reliant, and intrinsically motivated people.

One of the hardest things about parenting a strong-willed child is that when their behavior escalates, we feel like we must be doing something wrong. These are children who will throw some dramatic tantrums, even if your approach is loving, even if your request is more than reasonable, and even if you do everything right. Here are some tips for dealing with a strong-willed toddler:

1) Don't budge on your non-negotiables. Every child is capable of learning that certain behaviors are not OK. Hitting, biting, throwing food, and screaming are some examples that must bring consequences, but your strong-willed child may very well decide to put up a huge fit before he complies. For non-negotiables, you must have a stronger will than the child and continue to not tolerate the behavior. I have been through some of the worst tantrums I have ever thought possible, and I can tell you, it has worked--my son always expressed remorse and showed much more respect and good behavior after it was over. But at the time it was seriously challenging and definitely had me wondering if I was handling it correctly.

2) Offer lots of choices. A strong-willed child does need to feel he has some autonomy, so offering options abundantly does help them feel empowered. Just make sure you are not offering choice in an area that needs to be up to the parents. For example, "would you like broccoli or carrots?" is much better than, "What would you like for lunch?" because parents should be in charge of meals to make sure they instill healthy eating habits. For more information about giving options, click here. 3) Tune into his needs and honor them whenever you can. Often strong-willed children have a lot of energy that needs burning doing creative, active, exploratory activities. Good rest is important too. Sturcture his day to include these things as much as you can. When his needs are met, he will be much more fulfilled and therefore more compliant when you need him to be.

4) Implement "floor time." If you spend 30 minutes of floor time with your child each day, fully present with him, in which you simply play, following his lead about how to play, he will feel much more satisfied than if you spend all day partially engaged and partially distracted.

5) Use the "less talk, more action" rule. Lengthy lectures are lost on toddlers. Little ones are like little scientists, observing the patterns of their world and making sense of them. I like the Love and Logic technique of using a key phrase every time a non-negotiable is broken. Personally, I say "Uh-oh, in an upbeat voice. (The upbeat voice helps me to stay light and not clench my teeth!!) Then I do a disciplinary action. Very soon the child learns, "When I act badly, my life gets worse." Once they have gotten under control I do not belabor and lecture about why it went wrong, what he is not supposed to do, etc. The idea is to make time "in" more fun than time out, so I say, "All better? Ready to come play now?" Very quickly they learn that if they act appropriately, they get to be in the fun, interactive part of the house. If they don't, they'll be by themselves and don't get attention. If used consistently, it does not take long before they hear "uh-oh" and immediately change their behavior.

6) Stay calm. Believe me, I have lost it before. And not once has it helped. Tantrums may get intense, and they may last longer than you expected, but staying calm and applying your rules consistently will work much more effectively than getting angry. That being said, your consequences for unacceptable, escalating behavior may have to become more intense, but your emotions don't have to. Big reactions tell the child, "I can control how mom acts and watch her eyes get big by acting out." Staying calm reinforces the idea that when the child behaves badly, his life gets more difficult, not yours.










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