Think back to your favorite teacher in school, the one who made the most impact on your life. Which qualities did they embody that made them great? I am willing to bet that the qualities you came up with fall into one of three categories:
1) Having high expectations for you. Great role models are great because by having high expectations for their pupils, they teach them that students are capable of more than they once knew. Every child wants to feel competent and strong, but almost every human being needs someone to push them a little outside of their comfort zone in order to find out how good they can be.
2) Connecting to you as an individual. Some teachers are great because they make students believe that they matter. By showing a sincere interest in them, taking time to ask what's going on in their world, and sharing a little of themselves, these teachers build a child's self-concept by makeing them feel worthy of the teacher's time.
3) Offering some choice or freedom. The best teachers give students choices about how they learn and how they might show what they've learned, which allows them to assimilate new knowledge into an already stong passion or talent. It also shows trust to students who have proven they can handle some freedom and responsibility. When shown trust, most students want to be worthy of it, and they rise to meet the challenge.
These three categories represent what all children desire from their parents, teachers, and role models. My personal theory is that good parents embody all of these traits, and this helps them to raise children who know they are loved, know their own competence, and can handle responsibility and choices.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Natural Rewards and Consequences
For generations parents have relied on bribes and threats in order to get their children to do the things they want them to do. However, if children are too often rewarded they begin to expect to get something any time they act appropriately. On the other hand, if they are threatened with punishment too often, they begin to see their parents as adversarial and they never learn to be self-motivated for the greater good.
So, if we are to reduce our threats and bribes, what are we to do? Here's the good news. Each and every day, life is filled with natural rewards and consequences that will teach the child authentically that certain actions pay, and others do not. For example, most days with children include something enjoyable like a fun activity at home or a trip out. Rather than nagging our children to get their shoes on quickly, we can relax and know that if they dally, they do not get to enjoy the fun activity. Letting a child miss an activity due to dallying teaches them volumes more than having a parent nag them. Another way to look at it is, we do not need to reward the behavior of getting himself dressed with a sticker on a chart, because his reward comes when he gets to experience the joy of the activity.
Another great example occurred with my kids yesterday. I had them both in the jogging stroller on the way home from the park, when Evie took off her shoes. She does this often and I find it to be annoying, but this time I just picked them up and put them in the back of the stroller, knowing that soon enough a consequence would come up naturally. As predicted, when we neared our street, Eli asked, "can I get out and walk?" When I told him he could I knew what was coming: "Can I get out and walk too?" My reply was, "Oh shoot, you don't have shoes on. Sorry honey." A fit ensued, as I knew it would. This showed me that she was indeed feeling the consequences of her action, and assured me that most likely, she will not take her shoes off next time.
I am a firm believer in letting our children experience natural consequences. If we protect them from their failures, they will never learn. Likewise, we should make sure that every day has opportunities for natural rewards--fun activities and special times they look forward to. Not only are they fun for everyone, but they also help encourage children to work through their responsibilities.
If we constantly put ourselves in between the child and life's natural consequences, we become an adversary to our children when we don't need to. When we impose an artificial reward, like a sticker or candy, the prize becomes the goal, and it detracts from the internal reward of pride and satisfaction.
When life can teach our children all by itself, great parents let it do so. And a wonderful side effect is, it's so much more peaceful than nagging and bribing. Isn't life beautiful?
So, if we are to reduce our threats and bribes, what are we to do? Here's the good news. Each and every day, life is filled with natural rewards and consequences that will teach the child authentically that certain actions pay, and others do not. For example, most days with children include something enjoyable like a fun activity at home or a trip out. Rather than nagging our children to get their shoes on quickly, we can relax and know that if they dally, they do not get to enjoy the fun activity. Letting a child miss an activity due to dallying teaches them volumes more than having a parent nag them. Another way to look at it is, we do not need to reward the behavior of getting himself dressed with a sticker on a chart, because his reward comes when he gets to experience the joy of the activity.
Another great example occurred with my kids yesterday. I had them both in the jogging stroller on the way home from the park, when Evie took off her shoes. She does this often and I find it to be annoying, but this time I just picked them up and put them in the back of the stroller, knowing that soon enough a consequence would come up naturally. As predicted, when we neared our street, Eli asked, "can I get out and walk?" When I told him he could I knew what was coming: "Can I get out and walk too?" My reply was, "Oh shoot, you don't have shoes on. Sorry honey." A fit ensued, as I knew it would. This showed me that she was indeed feeling the consequences of her action, and assured me that most likely, she will not take her shoes off next time.
I am a firm believer in letting our children experience natural consequences. If we protect them from their failures, they will never learn. Likewise, we should make sure that every day has opportunities for natural rewards--fun activities and special times they look forward to. Not only are they fun for everyone, but they also help encourage children to work through their responsibilities.
If we constantly put ourselves in between the child and life's natural consequences, we become an adversary to our children when we don't need to. When we impose an artificial reward, like a sticker or candy, the prize becomes the goal, and it detracts from the internal reward of pride and satisfaction.
When life can teach our children all by itself, great parents let it do so. And a wonderful side effect is, it's so much more peaceful than nagging and bribing. Isn't life beautiful?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Food for Thought
Before I had my children I observed families closely, and one thing I was bound and determined not to have was picky eaters. I still don't know for sure whether picky eaters are born or made, but I am very happy with the approach we have taken with food. Friends and relatives have remarked how well our children eat real food without a fuss, so I thought I would share what has worked for us.
1) Make one meal at mealtime. If you start this approach from the time your children are babies, they will develop good habits of eating the food that is served. This rule goes hand in hand with #2 though.
2) Include at least one thing you know your child will like at every meal. This will insure that your child will eat something at each meal time and when he asks for more of the item he likes, you can let him know that he can after he eats the other foods.
3) Talk with children about what food does for the body. "This one helps you grow, that gives you energy to play, and those help keep you from getting sick!" When your kids understand from a very young age that food is something your body needs to do all the things it does, they no longer think of food as simply for pleasure and taste. Then if they encounter a food they don't care for, they can easily understand that it just needs to get into their body, even if it isn't pleasant going down. I will often say, "well, your body needs it, so you don't have to like it, but you do have to get it down to your body." Amazingly, they understand this and follow suit. Another benefit to this tip is that it sets the foundation for understanding about the importance of a balanced diet.
4) A little dessert is fine if the child has eaten his dinner. Dessert is a great motivator, and doesn't have to be an overindulgent one. We keep Jelly Bellies in the house, and often the kids will be allowed 5 or 6 of them if they eat a good dinner. That adds up to about 25 calories, and yet because each one is a different flavor, they are very excited to see what flavors they get. Dessert is never given unless they eat a good dinner first though.
5) Make meal time enjoyable with good conversation and story telling. Set a positive tone around mealtimes so that children enjoy this time together with you. This will set the stage for the coming together time that is such an important daily ritual. Be happy, talk about the day ahead at breakfast and reflect back on the day at dinner time.
6) Keep your little ones strapped in as long as possible! We still have our twins in their booster chairs with trays on them and they are 3 and a half. Why? Because we want it to instill the idea that at mealtimes we sit and eat, and leave the table when we are asked to be excused. By the time they move to big chairs, this will be automatic and won't require managing. It also works as incentive to work on good table manners. "When we get really good at using our forks and wiping our hands on napkins, we will get rid of the kid chairs and let you eat at the big table!"
7) Children ask to be excused from the table. This allows you to look at how they've done and require that some more bites of vegetables get eaten before they get down. If you've done a good job with number 3, they won't think you're torturing them. They will understand that their body needs the veggies. It also instills that we ask before we do certain things, which carries over into classroom etiquette and other rules in your home.
1) Make one meal at mealtime. If you start this approach from the time your children are babies, they will develop good habits of eating the food that is served. This rule goes hand in hand with #2 though.
2) Include at least one thing you know your child will like at every meal. This will insure that your child will eat something at each meal time and when he asks for more of the item he likes, you can let him know that he can after he eats the other foods.
3) Talk with children about what food does for the body. "This one helps you grow, that gives you energy to play, and those help keep you from getting sick!" When your kids understand from a very young age that food is something your body needs to do all the things it does, they no longer think of food as simply for pleasure and taste. Then if they encounter a food they don't care for, they can easily understand that it just needs to get into their body, even if it isn't pleasant going down. I will often say, "well, your body needs it, so you don't have to like it, but you do have to get it down to your body." Amazingly, they understand this and follow suit. Another benefit to this tip is that it sets the foundation for understanding about the importance of a balanced diet.
4) A little dessert is fine if the child has eaten his dinner. Dessert is a great motivator, and doesn't have to be an overindulgent one. We keep Jelly Bellies in the house, and often the kids will be allowed 5 or 6 of them if they eat a good dinner. That adds up to about 25 calories, and yet because each one is a different flavor, they are very excited to see what flavors they get. Dessert is never given unless they eat a good dinner first though.
5) Make meal time enjoyable with good conversation and story telling. Set a positive tone around mealtimes so that children enjoy this time together with you. This will set the stage for the coming together time that is such an important daily ritual. Be happy, talk about the day ahead at breakfast and reflect back on the day at dinner time.
6) Keep your little ones strapped in as long as possible! We still have our twins in their booster chairs with trays on them and they are 3 and a half. Why? Because we want it to instill the idea that at mealtimes we sit and eat, and leave the table when we are asked to be excused. By the time they move to big chairs, this will be automatic and won't require managing. It also works as incentive to work on good table manners. "When we get really good at using our forks and wiping our hands on napkins, we will get rid of the kid chairs and let you eat at the big table!"
7) Children ask to be excused from the table. This allows you to look at how they've done and require that some more bites of vegetables get eaten before they get down. If you've done a good job with number 3, they won't think you're torturing them. They will understand that their body needs the veggies. It also instills that we ask before we do certain things, which carries over into classroom etiquette and other rules in your home.
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