Parenting Strong-Willed Children

I have seen those babies who come into the world just to observe everything calmly and watch the world go by. They are the ones just gazing off in the distance as their mothers chat with their friends, go for a peaceful springtime stroll, or leisurely ponder which brand of cereal they will buy at the grocery aisle. I figured with having twins my chances of getting one of these children would be pretty good. Such was not the case. Both my children had minds of their own, but Eli is without a doubt, a strong-willed child.

My boy didn't cry as he came into the world, but peered intensely around the operating room trying to figure out his new environment. No fear at all, just setting into motion his plot to rule the place. In his later infancy, when distraction is the number one method for taking their minds off dangerous objects of desire, Eli would continue to point and scream for said object no matter what fun and exciting toy I'd put in front of him. I swear that if a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater happened by, he'd still be more interested in the glass vase, simply because he had chosen it and wasn't planning on changing his mind.

We called him "Sharky" because he would wake up screaming bloody murder when it was time to eat, and then he'd get to the breast and give it an emphatic chomp before quieting down. And being confined, forget about it!! I'd take my twins on a stroll outside so they could hear the birds and frogs, except the only thing anyone could hear was the crying and screaming for not being able to get out and touch the world! And every day the neighbor lady who was out primping her yard would say, "Wow, I've never heard of a baby not liking the stroller before!" And she passed on this helpful bit of information every. freaking. day.

And while most parenting experts say not to begin "timeouts" before a certain age, I could look in his eyes and know he was entirely aware of what he was doing. Timeouts for Eli began at nine months, as did my daily affirmation, "If this boy turns out to be a great kid, I am taking all the credit!"

I firmly believe that parents who are blessed with strong willed children just have to work harder in the early years. They are given children who demand them to be stronger, more informed, and more proactive than those who have more laid back babies. And I also believe that if these parents handle it well early, they will reap great benefits. After all, strong willed children will likely become driven, self-reliant, and intrinsically motivated people.

One of the hardest things about parenting a strong-willed child is that when their behavior escalates, we feel like we must be doing something wrong. These are children who will throw some dramatic tantrums, even if your approach is loving, even if your request is more than reasonable, and even if you do everything right. Here are some tips for dealing with a strong-willed toddler:

1) Don't budge on your non-negotiables. Every child is capable of learning that certain behaviors are not OK. Hitting, biting, throwing food, and screaming are some examples that must bring consequences, but your strong-willed child may very well decide to put up a huge fit before he complies. For non-negotiables, you must have a stronger will than the child and continue to not tolerate the behavior. I have been through some of the worst tantrums I have ever thought possible, and I can tell you, it has worked--my son always expressed remorse and showed much more respect and good behavior after it was over. But at the time it was seriously challenging and definitely had me wondering if I was handling it correctly.

2) Offer lots of choices. A strong-willed child does need to feel he has some autonomy, so offering options abundantly does help them feel empowered. Just make sure you are not offering choice in an area that needs to be up to the parents. For example, "would you like broccoli or carrots?" is much better than, "What would you like for lunch?" because parents should be in charge of meals to make sure they instill healthy eating habits. For more information about giving options, click here. 3) Tune into his needs and honor them whenever you can. Often strong-willed children have a lot of energy that needs burning doing creative, active, exploratory activities. Good rest is important too. Sturcture his day to include these things as much as you can. When his needs are met, he will be much more fulfilled and therefore more compliant when you need him to be.

4) Implement "floor time." If you spend 30 minutes of floor time with your child each day, fully present with him, in which you simply play, following his lead about how to play, he will feel much more satisfied than if you spend all day partially engaged and partially distracted.

5) Use the "less talk, more action" rule. Lengthy lectures are lost on toddlers. Little ones are like little scientists, observing the patterns of their world and making sense of them. I like the Love and Logic technique of using a key phrase every time a non-negotiable is broken. Personally, I say "Uh-oh, in an upbeat voice. (The upbeat voice helps me to stay light and not clench my teeth!!) Then I do a disciplinary action. Very soon the child learns, "When I act badly, my life gets worse." Once they have gotten under control I do not belabor and lecture about why it went wrong, what he is not supposed to do, etc. The idea is to make time "in" more fun than time out, so I say, "All better? Ready to come play now?" Very quickly they learn that if they act appropriately, they get to be in the fun, interactive part of the house. If they don't, they'll be by themselves and don't get attention. If used consistently, it does not take long before they hear "uh-oh" and immediately change their behavior.

6) Stay calm. Believe me, I have lost it before. And not once has it helped. Tantrums may get intense, and they may last longer than you expected, but staying calm and applying your rules consistently will work much more effectively than getting angry. That being said, your consequences for unacceptable, escalating behavior may have to become more intense, but your emotions don't have to. Big reactions tell the child, "I can control how mom acts and watch her eyes get big by acting out." Staying calm reinforces the idea that when the child behaves badly, his life gets more difficult, not yours.










http://myparentpage.blogspot.com/2009/02/how-to-effectively-offer-choices.html

Three questions that all expectant couples should ask themselves

Before a couple's first baby arrives, they should spend a lot of time talking--about their fears of entering this new phase of life, about their hopes for the baby and themselves, about how they'd like their life to look after the baby arrives, and perhaps most importantly, what kind of parents they want to be. Here are three important questions any couple should discuss before having their baby.

1) How was I raised? The greatest factor determining what kinds of parents we'll be is what kind of parents we had. By bringing awareness to what they want to pass on to the next generation and what they want to leave behind, couples can parent from a more intentional, proactive mindset. I have observed that if conscious choice and visualization of the intended parenting style is integrated, even people who come from less than ideal circumstances can become outstanding parents.

2) What do I like/dislike about the parents I observe? Observe and evaluate the people around you who are already parents as often as you can. This is a great beginning step to creating your own parenting style. Watch how a mom in the grocery store handles a child's tantrum and discuss with each other how you think you'd handle it. Look at how dads interact with their children at the park. If you encounter an expert parenting moment, write down what you saw to remember for later. When having these discussions with your partner, it is great to have each person think of their own answer before sharing, so you can see how closely your answers matched up. Don't panic if they don't match up at all. Discussing the rationale for your answers will give you insight into how each of you operates.

3) Which of my strengths do I want most to pass on? By defining your personal strengths, you begin to see what you value, which can become the foundation for your parenting choices. Celebrate your strengths and look for ways you can incorporate them into your parenting decisions. For example, a parent who values a strong work ethic will make sure that his children have some chores to do every day that match his developmental abilities. A parent who values communication will help a child define their feelings of anger, joy, and sadness. Explore and celebrate what you are good at, and make parenting decisions that amplify those strengths.

Some Questions are Better Than Others

When children return home from school or some activity, it is natural for parents to want to hear all about their experiences, so often we'll ask "What did you do today?" only to receive the let down answer, "Oh nothing." Our kids aren't trying to be distant, but it's just too much to remember everything that happened, and after a long day they don't feel like giving the run-down. It is more effective to ask a specific question that will help the child hone in on one meomorable event or feeling. Here are some great questions to ask your kids at the dinner table, when they return home, or at bedtime. I list them here, but the idea is not to ask them one after the other.

We have gotten into the habit of asking the first one with our three year olds before bed, because it sends them to sleep thinking about a positive experience they had. Often times if we forget to ask, they'll call us in after we've put them down and ask, "Mom, what was your favorite part of the day?" I'll often choose a pleasant moment we shared together, so that I can reinforce their good qualities and make them feel proud. Not to mention that I get the best hugs after that!

1) What was your favorite part of the day today?

2) What is one good thing that happened to you today?

3) What is one thing you were proud of today?

4) Who was really nice today?

5) What was one moment that you specifically remember?

6) What did your teacher say to you today?

7) Was there anything you did today that you'd change if you could?

8) Who were you a good friend to today?

9) What did you notice about nature/the sky/the weather today?

10) Is there anything you want to remember for tomorrow?

A few thoughts about parenting teenagers

One of the reasons teenagers can be so challenging for parents is because of their strong desire to take charge of their own lives, before they really have the ability and wisdom to do so. As teens near adulthood they fluctuate back and forth between wanting to remain a child and be taken care of, and pulling away from parents as they feel the pressure that comes from knowing that soon they'll be on their own and will need to rely on themselves. As a result, teenagers often clash with their parents, whom they need but don't want to need. Nothing will make this stage perfectly smoothe, but keeping a few things in mind might lessen the tension and help keep communication lines open.

1) Create time in your week when you are driving somewhere or doing something active together. Teenagers are more likely to open up and talk to you about their lives and feelings when they are not sitting face to face. Teens do share with their parents, but sometimes it takes just the right situation to bring it out.

2) Teens often do want to talk with their parents, but it can come at unexpected times. I would encourage parents to take full advantage of the times their teens open up, even if it means putting off some responsibilities. Adolescence is a difficult stage of life, and just being there when they do need you is vital.

3) When they are sharing a problem with you, try not to leap into giving advice or solving the problem. One thing you can do is ask them guiding questions that help them find their own solutions, such as, "Have you thought of how you might deal with this?" You can also ask if they are open for ideas or suggestions. Asking first lets them know you'll understand if they want to solve it on their own, but also that you're there to help.

4) Allow them to stretch their wings in situations where they will not be harmed. Teens are seeking more freedom, and they will likely ask for more and more rope throughout these years. When you allow them to make some choices of their own, even if you don't love those choices, this shows them that you understand their need to make their own way. A great example is if they want to color their hair. While you may hate the way people perceive their hair and how it might reflect upon you, colored hair will not harm them in any way. When parents make these "yes" deposits, teenagers will better understand when you need to put your foot down and say no, because they will see you as reasonable people who understand and care for them. With that said, it is important to discuss the "why's" of a situation, so you know where their motivation is coming from.

5) Remember that even if their body language doesn't show it, teenagers really do listen to their parents and want to be close to them. My years of working with teens have proven this to be undoubtedly true. So many times I have heard teens say they'd love to talk to their parents about things, but that they just don't believe they understand. Stay as involved as you can and know that they are hearing you, even when it doesn't seem like it.

Seeing the Signs of Joy

One of the best ways to know you are doing a good job parenting is when you see the little signs of joy coming from your kids. If your kids are generally happy and upbeat in life, it likely means they have the right balance of freedom and guidance, play and responsibility, self-direction and parent involvement. Any time you see them running with fervor, engaged and focused in an activity, or yelling, "Hey mom, look what I did!" remind yourself that you are doing a great job. Parenting takes a great deal of patience, thought, and putting yourself last, so make sure you take advantage of the joys, and pat yourself on the back!

I couldn't have said it better myself

http://www.positiveparentcoaching.com/articles/003.htm

I love this article about the ups and downs of reward/punishment, so I thought I'd post it here for you to read.

Observing Out Loud Instead of Telling What to Do

I think this idea came from How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk...First, let me say that I am not afraid of telling my kids if something needs to be done. However, if directing is done too frequently it loses its potency, not to mention that the kids aren't given the opportunity to draw their own conclusions about what needs to be done. So an alternative that works surprisingly well is to observe a situation out loud and see how they respond to it. For example, if a child has forgotten to put his dishes in the sink, you could say, "Oh, I see someone's dishes are still on the table." You'll be amazed when suddenly in walks a little one to come and put them away. I once used this technique when there was a squabble over a toy. "Oh, I see two kids who aren't working to solve their problem" and then the solutions came pouring out of them like magic.

A spin-off of this is to become the dummy. "Oh no, I see a cup on the table and I don't know what to do." or, "Oh no, I see that you are fighting. I've forgotten what we do when we both want the same toy. How are we going to solve this?" Not only is it fun to take on a different stance, it is amazing to see how the kids will step up and be the "grown-ups."