Tip of the Week: Talk to the kids as if they're adults.

Building a strong vocabulary early on is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child, which is why reading, labeling their world verbally, and speaking to children in complete, clear sentences are all so important. There is actually a link between language development and overall cognition, because language is so intertwined with meaning.

Use "big" words with your children, even at an early age, and they will come back to surprise and delight you by using them too. I will never forget when my just turned two-year-old turned to me at the local park and said, "Mom, the black swing's available." "What?" I replied. "You would like a bagel?"

Empowered Parents

I find it sadly interesting that when preparing for their babies' arrival, most parents take some sort of birthing class to prepare for bringing their little one into the world, and I've never heard of any preparatory class for what to do when the baby arrives. And yet the birth takes a day or two, and the parental life of the child takes about twenty years.

I believe that aside from people who have deep-seeded issues stemming from childhood or trauma, and aside from the "superparents" who read and discuss every parenting book on the market, the majority of new parents enter into the most life-changing and vitally important phase of life and "wing it," working incredibly hard, but mostly reacting and responding to what life and their baby brings them.

The greatest influence over what type of parents we become is how we ourselves were parented. Therefore, the average parent reacts to the demands of parenting in one of two ways: 1) doing what their parents did. (Indeed, most of us find ourselves surprised to hear our parents words streaming out of our mouths when we swore we never would say them!) and 2) adamantly refusing to parent the way their parents did, thereby swinging the pendulum too far in the other direction, taking an approach that is either too lenient, too strict, or too reactive to certain situations.

I am working on a curriculum for a two to three-hour class that will help new parents transcend this adequate-but-not-optimal approach to parenting by raising questions and examing key issues that will help them create their own desired parenting style well before their baby arrives, a style that is aligned with their deepest core values and that responds actively to today's parenting challenges. Once we have co-created this parenting style, I offer scenarios for the parents to discuss, so that before those typical challenges arrive, they have already envisioned how to respond to situations in ways that align with their greatest vision. No challenge seems insurmountable when one has visualized and practiced the scenario many times before.

When parents define their values and consciously choose to make parenting decisions that stem from those values, then rather than reacting, they are consciously, intentionally parenting. This leads to less inner conflict, more self-assuredness, and more peace in the home.

Food for Thought

We have the opportunity when our kids are very young to decide which habits, rituals, and everyday ideas permeate their lives. They only know what they are exposed to, so they do not know that what you do in your home might be quite different from what other people do in theirs. I encourage parents to use this stage to parent in ways that are consistent with their values and that create great habits for their little ones.

For example, a baby who is offered a variety of healthy foods does not know that sweets exist, and by offering healthy choices early on, you are shaping their taste buds to try new things and learn what real, healthy food tastes like. I have never understood people's desire to give sugar-laden foods to babies, when this stage is the opportune time to instill healthy eating habits. If you give a baby sweets, they are more likely to become those picky-eating toddlers that refuse healthy food and make you worry if they are getting enough nutrition. My pediatrician once said, "I've never seen a kid starve himself." I suggest offering only healthy foods in the early stages of life. Once those good healthy eating habits are in place, then an occasional treat is certainly fine.

Early childhood is also a time when children have no expectations, and so I offer that parents do not need to go crazy for birthday parties and holidays. Kids at this age don't know what to expect, so what you plan for their early birthdays becomes the foundation for what they will expect in future years. I want my children to appreciate time with friends and family, a special meal, some fun games to play, and making a wish on a birthday cake. With all these special occurrences, I don't believe that they need to start expecting birthday presents, clowns, or frivolous theme parties which only raise the bar so high that they'll never be able to match it again. My choice to ask for no gifts comes from my desire to have my kids appreciate the little things in life. It also comes as a reflection of my own childhood. I remember being little and thinking,"I wonder how many presents I'll get this year." Over time, I expected more and more, and Christmas for me was reduced to the material.

The above is just an example of how parents can consciously choose how our traditions reflect our values. I don't have any problem with birthday presents per se; I am just using this instance to illustrate my point.

I believe that the strongest parents are very aware of their values and consistently parent from them, creating a world for their children that reflects and helps instill those values. The first few years of a child's life is a prime opportunity, because children will not yet see on a regular basis how "everyone else is doing it." I encourage parents to take advantage of that opportunity.

The "cool teacher" syndrome

Most of us had one at some point in our high school years--the teacher that was trying to be the "cool teacher." He was the one that thought he'd relate to us by getting down on our level, allowing us lots of freedom, and upholding few standards or rules in the classroom. Of course we all liked that class--we were teenagers and were all too happy to get away with late assignments, talking in class, and behaving in all sorts of ways we never would in our other classes.

But the fact of the matter is we only loved that teacher when he was giving us what we wanted. As soon as he tried to take control back, the love was gone. When our behavior got out of hand and he tried to enforce some order, it was too late. He had already given the students the power in the classroom and we were not about to give it back to him without a battle. We did not respect him, nor did we believe that he could be our leader.

The only way the cool teacher could earn our respect was to become like the teachers he thought we "didn't relate to." And he would have to become like them for a long time before we would relinquish our control of the class. He would have to uphold rules. He would have to discipline us. He would have to require us to work.

He thought he was reaching us on our level, when in fact we didn't want to model ourselves after a grown adult that hung out with teenagers. Beyond our surface level desire to give only what was expected of us, we wanted to aspire to more. We wanted to be pushed to be stronger and better than our own momentary emotional desires. We wanted to learn.

The cool teacher is not the one who receives letters years after the students have graduated. He's not the one who made a difference in our lives, who helped us find out that we could be more than we imagined we could be. He is not a great teacher.

The "cool teacher" is a good lesson for parents. Great parents love and adore their children, no doubt. But they are strong examples and leaders who teach their children how to be stronger than their immediate impulses. Great parents do not let the children dictate how things will work in the household. They set the rules, the standards, and the guidelines and make sure that children uphold them. Of course they allow a great deal of choice for their kids within those boundaries, but they set boundaries. They withstand the whining, they outlast the tantrums, and they say "no" when what children want is not what is best for them.

When children grow up in a happy, loving environment with parents who teach, guide, and set boundaries, they love their parents on many levels. They love playing and having fun with their parents. They love the consistency of knowing what is expected and how to behave. They love trusting that their parents will be there to guide the way in tough times. And finally, they love and respect their parents for helping them become all that they can be.

Another idea about toy clean up

This comes from Parenting with Love and Logic, which has been a helpful resource. It is never good to keep nagging toddlers/preschoolers to do their responsibilities because it gives them all the power to drag the process out. It is much easier just to offer an alternative choice. If my kids stall and play around and don't get to work, I simply say I'll set the timer and when it beeps, everything left out goes in the "big bag." That means what's left gets taken away. I have also said, "If you don't clean up the toys, I can clean them up." They know that this means they will get cleaned up for good, and they have only once chosen this option.

Many parents might think this approach is too tough, but my kids have a lot of love, fun, and play in their lives. Taking care of their own responsibilities is something that I believe needs to be a "given." I also don't believe that most kids will naturally, happily complete their jobs without some training.

What I can say is that after having done some training in this area my twins most often happily clean up, looking forward to showing me how "proud" they are of the room they cleaned. I can't remember the last time the "big bag" came out.

One important reason to limit TV

One important difference between interactive play in the 3-dimensional world and watching a 2-dimensional TV screen is that when engaged in play, the child is the one making all the decisions: about what to play with next, how to manipulate toys, what they will create, what they will imagine, and how they will interact with the environment. Through this process they are learning about their world--they decide which objects in their environment are important to pay attention to and which are less important, and they make their own decisions about how to interact with the environment. This decision making is key to the optimal development of the cerebral cortex, especially in early childhood.

On the other hand, when engaged in TV watching, the producers of that program have decided what the child is supposed to notice by deciding what object comes next on the screen, while the child passively follows, their higher brain functions lulled to sleep while the low brain is mesmerized with images. What's worse, too often those images come very fast. The time it takes for a brain to process new information is five to seven seconds, but in many programs a new object emerges every two to three seconds, demanding that the childs' focus moves to the new object before it has had time to process the previous one.

The national average for television viewing is 4 to 5 hours every day. Every hour spent in this way is time that children are not moving their bodies, which is also essential for brain development. It is time spent not making their own decisions, and not engaging the real, tangible, 3-dimensional world they live in.

One thing parents can do in addition to limiting or eliminating television viewing for little ones is to watch with the children and pause to discuss what's happening, ask questions, and label images with the accompanying vocabulary. Asking children to anticipate what will happen next also taps into higher level thinking processes. This insures that proper processing of the images is happening and provides more time necessary for children to think about what is occuring on the screen.

My Story

Before becoming a mother I was a middle and high school teacher, and in my ten years as an educator I developed a strong sense of what approach and techniques worked best for helping students reach their greatest potential, and I felt that much of what I learned in the classroom would carry over to parenting. I enjoyed watching parents around me and asking myself if I would handle situations the same way or differently than they did. Over time I developed an idea of what I thought my parenting style would be, even before I was ever pregnant.

In 2005 I found out I would have the wonderful opportunity to practice my theory on not one child, but twins. I left teaching to stay home and raise my children, and as they grew from babies to preschoolers I have confirmed that my beliefs about teaching and parenting indeed often coincide. I have developed a personal philosophy about raising and guiding children that has come from my experiences. While I know that each and every family is unique, I do believe that some parenting techniques are optimal for helping children grow into happy, healthy, empowered people.

I share my ideas here as a record for myself, to aid in my future coaching practice, and for anyone who is interested in reading them.

Tip of the Week: Toy Clean-Up

It is my opinion that cleaning up their toys should be the children's responsibility pretty much from the time they develop their grasping motion! But seriously, the sooner they start having responsibilities, the more likely it becomes an ingrained, automatic expectation and it should start with their own things. I also believe that strong willed children will try many tricks to get away with not doing it and you have to nip that in the bud. (Believe me, I know strong-willed. If my boy has learned to clean up his toys, then anyone can!)

I recommend making up your own lighthearted "Clean-Up" song that you sing every time they pick up their toys. It creates a positive tone and as the chilidren get older they will go into automatic response when they hear/sing the song.

Another great way to instill this is to have some wonderful activity or snack coming and then let them know that it will happen as soon as the toys are put away. They will hop to it quickly, and then that becomes the standard they get used to. To be honest, I pretty much use any exciting activity as an opportuniy to get some responsibilities done first!

But when they first start, let there be no question that it is their job. If they don't clean up, their life only gets worse until they do. Any kid worth his salt will fight it at first, and by all means let them win if you want to be picking up after them when they are fifteen! Just remember, you are giving them the gift of a strong self-perception that says, "I can take care of my own things and I help the family."