Praise that instills authentic self-esteem

Praise is a great parenting tool, but should be used to instill authentic self-esteem. Authentic self esteem comes when children have experiences that teach them about their positive qualities. For example, a child who learns to pick up his own toys gains a self-image that says, "I help my family and take care of my own things." One who tries something new and learns how to do it gains the identity, "I can try new things and learn quickly." When praise comes along with the experience, it confirms that internal positive feeling, making the child feel wonderful about himself, and encouraging his good behavior.

Inauthentic self-esteem on the other hand, comes when a child has been praised incessantly, even if he hasn't had the positive experiences to go along with the message. He might have the idea "Everyone thinks I am cute and wonderful" but he doesn't necessarily feel cute and wonderful inside, because the praise has come even when he hasn't felt wonderful himself. This creates confusion about the child's own self-worth.

I offer the following guidelines for praising to build authentic self-esteem:


1) Specific praise is best.

"I love how you worked through your frustration and kept trying new ways to fit the pieces together. That shows perseverance." is better than, "Good job on that puzzle!" because the child will learn what specific behaviors he's doing well. That will encourage him to embody those traits later, and an added bonus is the vocabulary that comes along with it.

2) Praise often, but not every time.

If you praise a child all the time, she will come to expect the praise, and this might create a pattern of reliance on extrinsic, rather than an intrinsic motivation. In other words, the child will be doing things to get praise rather than for the internal beauty of the experience. Also, if praised too often, the praise becomes watered down, and then it is less effective in confirming a real stride the child has made.

3) Don't praise if the child has done something less than she is capable of.

If you praise a child when she has done less than her best she will not only develop low expectations of herself, but also question your authenticity, because children really know inside if they have done their best or not. That being said, you may find one thing she truly did well, praise that, but then also encourage her to improve on the rest of the task.

4) Praise for process, not product.

If a child has persevered, worked hard at a task, tried something new, or taken a real risk, that is definitely praiseworthy, even if the final product is not perfect. A good example is when a child is learning to make her bed and she tries over and over to get it right. Even if the bed is still not perfectly made, she has worked at the top of her game, and praise for the perseverance and effort are certainly appropriate.