Making the Hard Decisions--A personal experience

Let me set the stage. Eli and Evelyn have private swimming lessons. It is a wonderful program and they are learning a lot very quickly, which is why two times a week I pack up all of our swimming gear, (including my own, because it is less expensive if I swim with one of the kids), a lunch for the kids to eat in the car (complete with a fruit snack for the ride home so they don't fall asleep and ruin my, I mean their naptime), drive 25 minutes each way, and spend 15 minutes on each end of the lesson getting us all undressed, showered and taken to the bathroom, all for a 15-minute session in the pool. To put it mildly, it is a high cost to benefit ratio, and I haven't even mentioned the price!

So today, for some odd reason, Eli decided to throw a weird fit about getting down the stairs first. It was one of those out of the blue behaviors that I haven't seen since before he was two, and for some reason he had decided this was the battle he was willing to fight. Leaving him on the floor to have a fit, I helped Evie get her swimsuit on and informed him that if he continued this behavior, he would lose his opportunity to swim. I was shocked that he didn't immediately calm down and start taking his clothes off--he loves swimming, and he is at an age where he can control his emotions pretty well. But for some reason, he wanted to push it, and not only did his behavior not improve, it got worse.

Parents often find themselves in this type of situation. They threaten to take something away that the parent wants to happen and the child loves, thinking that that will solve the problem. When it doesn't solve the problem, parents are often tempted to give a second chance, another opportunity for the child to change the behavior. But if kids think they can act horribly and will always be given a second chance, they are more likely to revisit this behavior again, expecting their parents to give them an out.

No out for Eli today. He sat fully clothed on my lap and watched Evie dive off the diving board, swim on her back, and receive hand stamps for great behavior. After packing the lunch and the bag, after spending the money for the lesson, after driving 25 minutes to get there, I told the teacher, "just one child today!" And because I made that decision, I am almost certain that it will never happen again.

One hard, natural consequence is about the fastest teaching tool you can give your kids--even if it means wasting a great deal of your own effort. In these types of situations, I always try to remember that. As for Eli, he got the message. He sat quietly and watched his sister. At the end of the lesson he asked if he could have a hand stamp. When I told him that those were for kids who swam, he said, "Ok mom, I'll get one next time."