Once parents have defined their deepest core values, they can take some great steps to creating an "intentional environment,"--a home that reflects and encourages the growth of those values. Here are some questions to reflect upon if you'd like to create a more intentional home environment.
1) What toys are allowed in my home? Why?
We as parents have the power to choose toys for our children that support them in whatever value they have. For example, toys that are "kid-powered," put the child in a creative role rather than a reactive one. Princess attire, if overdone, can send a message about valuing beauty rather than creativity or thinking. Guns and swords suggest a scary world where monsters or other people need to be slain. Parents have every right to choose and monitor which toys their children play with, and wonderful toy stores abound that have positive, constructive, creative learning and play in mind. When a friend or relative gives the gift of a toy that does not match our intentional environment, we don't have to make an uncomfortable scene, but can simply rotate the toy "out" once the guest has left.
2) How do we spend our time together?
Having consistent time spent talking and relating to one another sends the message that we as a family communicate regularly to build and strengthen our relationship. Time outdoors reflects the value of nature. Creating a ritual of dancing when the family comes back together after work values celebration and joy of living. It takes just a little effort to become more intentional about the little things a family does together, and yet it makes a lasting impression on your children.
3) What outside values do we let into our family's sphere?
It is always tough to find balance between creating a life around our own values and preparing children for the outside world. However, one thing many parents do not realize is that the television is more than an entertainment machine, it is a values machine. Millions of dollars are spent every year to influence your children to beg you to buy them things. Advertising's only goal is to get you to spend money, not to promote constructive values. Being very choosy about programs and how much time is spent watching television is crucial for creating an intentional environment.
4) How do my spouse and I interact in good times and bad?
Our children will take so much more from what we do than what you say, so one of the first places parents can look is within their relationship. Couples who have developed some rules for "fighting fair" are modeling how to disagree respectfully. It's okay for children to see us argue occasionally, but if we can retain respect when we do so, they will learn how to express their opinions with respect as well.
Flourishing families have one thing in common. They know why they do the things they do. It's a simple little thing that makes a world of difference.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Three Child-Rearing Types
Each school year I taught about 120 teenage students and therefore had the opportunity to work with 120 sets of parents. So in ten years of teaching I observed glimpses of the family dynamics of 1200 families and paid close attention to the type of parenting I noticed as correlated with the success or struggles their children had emotionally, socially, and academically. Most of what I observed came in parent-teacher conferences, as we would most often have the student and parents present together. With all that observational data, I developed a hypothesis. There was a certain parenting formula that seemed to breed success.
I would like to define success here. I am not only talking about high achievers and 4.0 students. I am thinking of students who seemed happy, worked to their potential, handled challenges, and showed motivation. Some of these were the 4.0 students, and others were B or C students who were working at the peak of their capacity.
The parents of students who fit the above description had high yet reasonable expectations for their children. They challenged them to do the best they could, but did not have black and white, "No C's in this family" type rules. They knew what their children were capable of and expected, challenged, and encouraged them to work at that level.
There was also a great deal of mutual trust--they communicated authentically with their children instead of taking on a "parent persona". Their children also communicated authentically with their parents, explaining where they were having trouble, admitting when they made mistakes, and celebrating success with their folks. Clearly a strong, trusting relationship had been built over time. These parents spent most of the conference time talking with their child rather than with me. I could see the love, respect, and trust between them. These conferences always warmed my heart.
They were definitely the leaders of the family, but had successfully learned when to guide and when to let the child take charge. This gave their children a sense of ownership over their own projects, classes, and activities. They listened to their kids and asked for their thoughts, yet set clear boundaries and said "no" when it was necessary. When they did set boundaries, the children did not question them, at least not in front of their teachers.
On the other hand, parents whose students did not do well most often fell into one of three categories: over-controlling, out of touch, or too permissive.
The over-controlling parents would come with a notebook, engage the teacher immediately and hardly glance at the child, who was most often daydreaming while staring out the window. The child knew that his mom or dad was taking charge of this situation. The child's education was his parents' baby, not his own. The parent wanted to know which assignments were missing and which could still be turned in, writing it all down. This parent would leave the conference saying something like, "Thank you. We'll take care of this. Come on Spencer, let's go."
The out of touch parent came in with no idea that the child was struggling, because somewhere along the line he had lost his connection with the child. The out of touch parent was most often rushing in, dressed in business attire, was looking around the classroom because it was the first time he'd seen it, and wanted to get through the conference quickly. He had few questions to ask, and was surprised to hear about all the things that were going on in the classroom and with his child. He was not involved with the child enough, and the child was beginning to rebel, probably after years of trying to gain attention in other ways.
Finally, the permissive parent would walk in sheepishly, embarrassed and fearful about what the teacher was going to say or what the child might do. The child would often doodle during the conference, respond to questions with "I dunno" type answers, and the parent would look at us and shrug her shoulders. This parent had lost control years ago and seemed to be desperately hoping the kid would somehow graduate and get a job despite that fact.
Research has shown that my hypothesis has some merit. Of the three general child-rearing types--authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive-- the authoritative type has the greatest success rate in raising strong, happy, intrinsically motivated and self-actualized young people. The other two types more often than not cause some problems and do not help children reach their greatest potential.
Authoritarian parents are so in charge that they do not effectively tune into their children. They may have very orderly homes and well-behaved, disciplined children, but the children have often not learned to think for themselves or express their opinions. They most often are extrinsically motivated by fear of consequences rather than intrinsically motivated by their own drive and passion. Over time, children of authoritarian parents are at risk for dramatic rebellion, as they may feel they can no longer fit the mold their parents have put in place for them and feel a strong need to find things out for themselves. On the other hand, they may be overly passive and submissive throughout their lives.
Authoritative parents set high yet reasonable expectations for their children, set clear boundaries of what is appropriate and inappropriate, and yet they have developed a strong relationship of trust with their children by listening to their children and supporting their inner selves.
Permissive parents have low expectations for their children and if they set boundaries, they are often unclear. Unclear boundaries invite testing, so their children learn that they can get away with a great deal, rarely having consequences. Over time, these children do not develop a sense of inner competence and can have low self-esteem. They may not be able to handle taking direction from others, persevering through a challenge, and may have formed a pattern of taking the easy way out of most situations.
For more information on these child-rearing types, click here.
The greatest factor for how people fall into these categories is how they themselves were raised. So people who were raised permissively are at risk of becoming permissive parents themselves or possibly becoming authoritarian out of the desire to be nothing like their parents. It is so vital for all parents to find the authoritative balance, and without a strong parental example, it often takes some "change agent" or catalyst to help them observe the situation objectively.
The ten years of observing parents certainly painted a clear picture for me what type of parent I wanted to become, and I felt it was a profound advantage I had entering into parenthood. Even so, being a mom still feels like a tightrope walk sometimes. From one moment to the next it is still not easy to know when to expect more from my kids and when to lovingly comfort them. When I find myself navigating those gray areas, I try to remember that if I lean over too far on one side from time to time, the strength of the relationship I have with my kids will allow it. We don't need to be perfect, we just need to try to be.
I would like to define success here. I am not only talking about high achievers and 4.0 students. I am thinking of students who seemed happy, worked to their potential, handled challenges, and showed motivation. Some of these were the 4.0 students, and others were B or C students who were working at the peak of their capacity.
The parents of students who fit the above description had high yet reasonable expectations for their children. They challenged them to do the best they could, but did not have black and white, "No C's in this family" type rules. They knew what their children were capable of and expected, challenged, and encouraged them to work at that level.
There was also a great deal of mutual trust--they communicated authentically with their children instead of taking on a "parent persona". Their children also communicated authentically with their parents, explaining where they were having trouble, admitting when they made mistakes, and celebrating success with their folks. Clearly a strong, trusting relationship had been built over time. These parents spent most of the conference time talking with their child rather than with me. I could see the love, respect, and trust between them. These conferences always warmed my heart.
They were definitely the leaders of the family, but had successfully learned when to guide and when to let the child take charge. This gave their children a sense of ownership over their own projects, classes, and activities. They listened to their kids and asked for their thoughts, yet set clear boundaries and said "no" when it was necessary. When they did set boundaries, the children did not question them, at least not in front of their teachers.
On the other hand, parents whose students did not do well most often fell into one of three categories: over-controlling, out of touch, or too permissive.
The over-controlling parents would come with a notebook, engage the teacher immediately and hardly glance at the child, who was most often daydreaming while staring out the window. The child knew that his mom or dad was taking charge of this situation. The child's education was his parents' baby, not his own. The parent wanted to know which assignments were missing and which could still be turned in, writing it all down. This parent would leave the conference saying something like, "Thank you. We'll take care of this. Come on Spencer, let's go."
The out of touch parent came in with no idea that the child was struggling, because somewhere along the line he had lost his connection with the child. The out of touch parent was most often rushing in, dressed in business attire, was looking around the classroom because it was the first time he'd seen it, and wanted to get through the conference quickly. He had few questions to ask, and was surprised to hear about all the things that were going on in the classroom and with his child. He was not involved with the child enough, and the child was beginning to rebel, probably after years of trying to gain attention in other ways.
Finally, the permissive parent would walk in sheepishly, embarrassed and fearful about what the teacher was going to say or what the child might do. The child would often doodle during the conference, respond to questions with "I dunno" type answers, and the parent would look at us and shrug her shoulders. This parent had lost control years ago and seemed to be desperately hoping the kid would somehow graduate and get a job despite that fact.
Research has shown that my hypothesis has some merit. Of the three general child-rearing types--authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive-- the authoritative type has the greatest success rate in raising strong, happy, intrinsically motivated and self-actualized young people. The other two types more often than not cause some problems and do not help children reach their greatest potential.
Authoritarian parents are so in charge that they do not effectively tune into their children. They may have very orderly homes and well-behaved, disciplined children, but the children have often not learned to think for themselves or express their opinions. They most often are extrinsically motivated by fear of consequences rather than intrinsically motivated by their own drive and passion. Over time, children of authoritarian parents are at risk for dramatic rebellion, as they may feel they can no longer fit the mold their parents have put in place for them and feel a strong need to find things out for themselves. On the other hand, they may be overly passive and submissive throughout their lives.
Authoritative parents set high yet reasonable expectations for their children, set clear boundaries of what is appropriate and inappropriate, and yet they have developed a strong relationship of trust with their children by listening to their children and supporting their inner selves.
Permissive parents have low expectations for their children and if they set boundaries, they are often unclear. Unclear boundaries invite testing, so their children learn that they can get away with a great deal, rarely having consequences. Over time, these children do not develop a sense of inner competence and can have low self-esteem. They may not be able to handle taking direction from others, persevering through a challenge, and may have formed a pattern of taking the easy way out of most situations.
For more information on these child-rearing types, click here.
The greatest factor for how people fall into these categories is how they themselves were raised. So people who were raised permissively are at risk of becoming permissive parents themselves or possibly becoming authoritarian out of the desire to be nothing like their parents. It is so vital for all parents to find the authoritative balance, and without a strong parental example, it often takes some "change agent" or catalyst to help them observe the situation objectively.
The ten years of observing parents certainly painted a clear picture for me what type of parent I wanted to become, and I felt it was a profound advantage I had entering into parenthood. Even so, being a mom still feels like a tightrope walk sometimes. From one moment to the next it is still not easy to know when to expect more from my kids and when to lovingly comfort them. When I find myself navigating those gray areas, I try to remember that if I lean over too far on one side from time to time, the strength of the relationship I have with my kids will allow it. We don't need to be perfect, we just need to try to be.
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