A few thoughts about parenting teenagers

One of the reasons teenagers can be so challenging for parents is because of their strong desire to take charge of their own lives, before they really have the ability and wisdom to do so. As teens near adulthood they fluctuate back and forth between wanting to remain a child and be taken care of, and pulling away from parents as they feel the pressure that comes from knowing that soon they'll be on their own and will need to rely on themselves. As a result, teenagers often clash with their parents, whom they need but don't want to need. Nothing will make this stage perfectly smoothe, but keeping a few things in mind might lessen the tension and help keep communication lines open.

1) Create time in your week when you are driving somewhere or doing something active together. Teenagers are more likely to open up and talk to you about their lives and feelings when they are not sitting face to face. Teens do share with their parents, but sometimes it takes just the right situation to bring it out.

2) Teens often do want to talk with their parents, but it can come at unexpected times. I would encourage parents to take full advantage of the times their teens open up, even if it means putting off some responsibilities. Adolescence is a difficult stage of life, and just being there when they do need you is vital.

3) When they are sharing a problem with you, try not to leap into giving advice or solving the problem. One thing you can do is ask them guiding questions that help them find their own solutions, such as, "Have you thought of how you might deal with this?" You can also ask if they are open for ideas or suggestions. Asking first lets them know you'll understand if they want to solve it on their own, but also that you're there to help.

4) Allow them to stretch their wings in situations where they will not be harmed. Teens are seeking more freedom, and they will likely ask for more and more rope throughout these years. When you allow them to make some choices of their own, even if you don't love those choices, this shows them that you understand their need to make their own way. A great example is if they want to color their hair. While you may hate the way people perceive their hair and how it might reflect upon you, colored hair will not harm them in any way. When parents make these "yes" deposits, teenagers will better understand when you need to put your foot down and say no, because they will see you as reasonable people who understand and care for them. With that said, it is important to discuss the "why's" of a situation, so you know where their motivation is coming from.

5) Remember that even if their body language doesn't show it, teenagers really do listen to their parents and want to be close to them. My years of working with teens have proven this to be undoubtedly true. So many times I have heard teens say they'd love to talk to their parents about things, but that they just don't believe they understand. Stay as involved as you can and know that they are hearing you, even when it doesn't seem like it.