If there's one thing I know about small children is that they function much better if they know what's coming. If they have to give up their turn, it helps them a great deal to be forewarned. "One more minute Eli, and then it's Evie's turn" is something I say many times a day, and it just makes everything run smoothly.
This concept also helps when something fun is going to end. You know how children love to do things over and over? A great way to handle this is to say, "Okay, this is the last one." The fact that they get to do it once more before it ends makes a world of difference.
Another example is when there is work to be done. If a child knows in advance that there is a job to be done, he is much more able to happily comply than if it is sprung on him suddenly. This can be done several ways:
1) Simply let them know before an activity ends, that after it's over you will be cleaning up.
2) At breakfast write a work/play list where you plan the activities you'll be doing that day. This way they will be able to anticipate that there will be some work and some fun. This parallels life, so why not instill this notion early?
3) Kids will work hard when anticipating a fun activity. For example, if you are going to do fingerpainting, let the kids know that as soon as their room is cleaned up, they get to go paint. This instills that work comes before play. Also, because they are anticipating a fun activity, they will work quickly, and learn how efficiently they can complete a task.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A little way to broaden your child's vocabulary
One thing that all moms of toddlers and preschoolers do constantly is respond to their children's musings. "Look at this mommy," is something most moms hear about 223 times a day. One small way to advance your children's vocabulary (and add some variety to your life) is to respond with new expressions as often as you can. Rather than, "Wow, that's pretty neat," add in an occasional, "Fabulous," "That's unique," or any other appropriate phrase for the situation.
I'll never forget the first time I asked my son if he'd get something for me and he said, "Of course, mom." I realized that if I had taught him "of course" just by saying it, then I could also teach him, "I'd be happy to do that for you," "absolutely," and "it would be my pleasure." I really look forward to hearing that one someday!
I'll never forget the first time I asked my son if he'd get something for me and he said, "Of course, mom." I realized that if I had taught him "of course" just by saying it, then I could also teach him, "I'd be happy to do that for you," "absolutely," and "it would be my pleasure." I really look forward to hearing that one someday!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Praise that instills authentic self-esteem
Praise is a great parenting tool, but should be used to instill authentic self-esteem. Authentic self esteem comes when children have experiences that teach them about their positive qualities. For example, a child who learns to pick up his own toys gains a self-image that says, "I help my family and take care of my own things." One who tries something new and learns how to do it gains the identity, "I can try new things and learn quickly." When praise comes along with the experience, it confirms that internal positive feeling, making the child feel wonderful about himself, and encouraging his good behavior.
Inauthentic self-esteem on the other hand, comes when a child has been praised incessantly, even if he hasn't had the positive experiences to go along with the message. He might have the idea "Everyone thinks I am cute and wonderful" but he doesn't necessarily feel cute and wonderful inside, because the praise has come even when he hasn't felt wonderful himself. This creates confusion about the child's own self-worth.
I offer the following guidelines for praising to build authentic self-esteem:
1) Specific praise is best.
"I love how you worked through your frustration and kept trying new ways to fit the pieces together. That shows perseverance." is better than, "Good job on that puzzle!" because the child will learn what specific behaviors he's doing well. That will encourage him to embody those traits later, and an added bonus is the vocabulary that comes along with it.
2) Praise often, but not every time.
If you praise a child all the time, she will come to expect the praise, and this might create a pattern of reliance on extrinsic, rather than an intrinsic motivation. In other words, the child will be doing things to get praise rather than for the internal beauty of the experience. Also, if praised too often, the praise becomes watered down, and then it is less effective in confirming a real stride the child has made.
3) Don't praise if the child has done something less than she is capable of.
If you praise a child when she has done less than her best she will not only develop low expectations of herself, but also question your authenticity, because children really know inside if they have done their best or not. That being said, you may find one thing she truly did well, praise that, but then also encourage her to improve on the rest of the task.
4) Praise for process, not product.
If a child has persevered, worked hard at a task, tried something new, or taken a real risk, that is definitely praiseworthy, even if the final product is not perfect. A good example is when a child is learning to make her bed and she tries over and over to get it right. Even if the bed is still not perfectly made, she has worked at the top of her game, and praise for the perseverance and effort are certainly appropriate.
Inauthentic self-esteem on the other hand, comes when a child has been praised incessantly, even if he hasn't had the positive experiences to go along with the message. He might have the idea "Everyone thinks I am cute and wonderful" but he doesn't necessarily feel cute and wonderful inside, because the praise has come even when he hasn't felt wonderful himself. This creates confusion about the child's own self-worth.
I offer the following guidelines for praising to build authentic self-esteem:
1) Specific praise is best.
"I love how you worked through your frustration and kept trying new ways to fit the pieces together. That shows perseverance." is better than, "Good job on that puzzle!" because the child will learn what specific behaviors he's doing well. That will encourage him to embody those traits later, and an added bonus is the vocabulary that comes along with it.
2) Praise often, but not every time.
If you praise a child all the time, she will come to expect the praise, and this might create a pattern of reliance on extrinsic, rather than an intrinsic motivation. In other words, the child will be doing things to get praise rather than for the internal beauty of the experience. Also, if praised too often, the praise becomes watered down, and then it is less effective in confirming a real stride the child has made.
3) Don't praise if the child has done something less than she is capable of.
If you praise a child when she has done less than her best she will not only develop low expectations of herself, but also question your authenticity, because children really know inside if they have done their best or not. That being said, you may find one thing she truly did well, praise that, but then also encourage her to improve on the rest of the task.
4) Praise for process, not product.
If a child has persevered, worked hard at a task, tried something new, or taken a real risk, that is definitely praiseworthy, even if the final product is not perfect. A good example is when a child is learning to make her bed and she tries over and over to get it right. Even if the bed is still not perfectly made, she has worked at the top of her game, and praise for the perseverance and effort are certainly appropriate.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Avoiding "Auto-Pilot" Parenting
As a parent coach, my mission is to help parents move out of what I call "auto-pilot parenting" and into aware, intentional, optimal parenting. When we are in auto-pilot mode, we are generally operating in one of two ways:
1) Doing what our parents did.
If you had wonderful parents, then this isn't terrible, but it still is not optimal, for two reasons. First of all, your parents lived in a different time. Parenting today truly does offer different challenges than your parents faced. Optimal parenting is being aware of today's challenges and taking them on in a way that puts your own values at the forefront. Secondly, your children are not you. While there are some tried and true techniques, each one will work differently depending on a child's temperament. Optimal parenting considers the individual child, whereas auto-pilot parenting does not.
2) Not doing what our parents did.
Many of us enter parenting determined to do the exact opposite of what our parents did. The problem with this type of auto-pilot parenting, is that most often, we swing the pendulum too far in the other direction. For example, someone raised in an overly strict environment reacts to this by becoming far too lenient. Optimal parenting is balanced, aware, and intentional, not reactive.
1) Doing what our parents did.
If you had wonderful parents, then this isn't terrible, but it still is not optimal, for two reasons. First of all, your parents lived in a different time. Parenting today truly does offer different challenges than your parents faced. Optimal parenting is being aware of today's challenges and taking them on in a way that puts your own values at the forefront. Secondly, your children are not you. While there are some tried and true techniques, each one will work differently depending on a child's temperament. Optimal parenting considers the individual child, whereas auto-pilot parenting does not.
2) Not doing what our parents did.
Many of us enter parenting determined to do the exact opposite of what our parents did. The problem with this type of auto-pilot parenting, is that most often, we swing the pendulum too far in the other direction. For example, someone raised in an overly strict environment reacts to this by becoming far too lenient. Optimal parenting is balanced, aware, and intentional, not reactive.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Future Visualizations Impacting Present Decisions
One thing I often do with parents is ask them to visualize an ideal future with their child in it. For the parents of infants, I have them see their child as a two-year old in a restaurant, visiting a friend's house, or on a nature hike. For parents of teens I might take them to an imaginary cafe with their adult child, where they are meeting for lunch. In whatever situation I describe for them, it is very important that they see and feel the scenario exactly as they would most like it to be.
Once they can clearly envision their most desired scenario in such settings, we can then measure their day to day parenting decisions against that preferred future in order to determine if the choices they are making now are aligned toward that dream or away from it.
For instance, one client saw their infant-as-two-year-old in a restaurant, happily playing with some toys on the table, and when the food arrived, eating some of everything on her plate. With that outcome in mind we examined how the parent could approach food choices when the baby is six months old. We came up with the idea to offer a variety of foods and consistently re-introduce foods that did not get a favorable response the first time. By doing so, the baby not only will more likely acquire a taste for all kinds of healthy foods, but she also learns the message over time that while we may like the taste of some foods over others, we put lots of different ones in our bodies because that is what keeps us healthy. Food is not only about pleasure, but also about giving our bodies what they need.
Secondly, I suggested that at an early age we can talk to our babies about what each food does for the body. "That egg will help your body grow and the toast will give you energy to play." By laying this kind of groundwork early, children learn the important role that a well-balanced diet plays for their health.
A good question for parents of children any age to ask themselves is, "Is this action moving me toward my dream or away from it?" Parents who act in ways that move them toward their dreams find great joy, love, and fulfillment in their family life, and it brings me tremendous satisfaction to help parents find this.
Once they can clearly envision their most desired scenario in such settings, we can then measure their day to day parenting decisions against that preferred future in order to determine if the choices they are making now are aligned toward that dream or away from it.
For instance, one client saw their infant-as-two-year-old in a restaurant, happily playing with some toys on the table, and when the food arrived, eating some of everything on her plate. With that outcome in mind we examined how the parent could approach food choices when the baby is six months old. We came up with the idea to offer a variety of foods and consistently re-introduce foods that did not get a favorable response the first time. By doing so, the baby not only will more likely acquire a taste for all kinds of healthy foods, but she also learns the message over time that while we may like the taste of some foods over others, we put lots of different ones in our bodies because that is what keeps us healthy. Food is not only about pleasure, but also about giving our bodies what they need.
Secondly, I suggested that at an early age we can talk to our babies about what each food does for the body. "That egg will help your body grow and the toast will give you energy to play." By laying this kind of groundwork early, children learn the important role that a well-balanced diet plays for their health.
A good question for parents of children any age to ask themselves is, "Is this action moving me toward my dream or away from it?" Parents who act in ways that move them toward their dreams find great joy, love, and fulfillment in their family life, and it brings me tremendous satisfaction to help parents find this.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Making the Hard Decisions--A personal experience
Let me set the stage. Eli and Evelyn have private swimming lessons. It is a wonderful program and they are learning a lot very quickly, which is why two times a week I pack up all of our swimming gear, (including my own, because it is less expensive if I swim with one of the kids), a lunch for the kids to eat in the car (complete with a fruit snack for the ride home so they don't fall asleep and ruin my, I mean their naptime), drive 25 minutes each way, and spend 15 minutes on each end of the lesson getting us all undressed, showered and taken to the bathroom, all for a 15-minute session in the pool. To put it mildly, it is a high cost to benefit ratio, and I haven't even mentioned the price!
So today, for some odd reason, Eli decided to throw a weird fit about getting down the stairs first. It was one of those out of the blue behaviors that I haven't seen since before he was two, and for some reason he had decided this was the battle he was willing to fight. Leaving him on the floor to have a fit, I helped Evie get her swimsuit on and informed him that if he continued this behavior, he would lose his opportunity to swim. I was shocked that he didn't immediately calm down and start taking his clothes off--he loves swimming, and he is at an age where he can control his emotions pretty well. But for some reason, he wanted to push it, and not only did his behavior not improve, it got worse.
Parents often find themselves in this type of situation. They threaten to take something away that the parent wants to happen and the child loves, thinking that that will solve the problem. When it doesn't solve the problem, parents are often tempted to give a second chance, another opportunity for the child to change the behavior. But if kids think they can act horribly and will always be given a second chance, they are more likely to revisit this behavior again, expecting their parents to give them an out.
No out for Eli today. He sat fully clothed on my lap and watched Evie dive off the diving board, swim on her back, and receive hand stamps for great behavior. After packing the lunch and the bag, after spending the money for the lesson, after driving 25 minutes to get there, I told the teacher, "just one child today!" And because I made that decision, I am almost certain that it will never happen again.
One hard, natural consequence is about the fastest teaching tool you can give your kids--even if it means wasting a great deal of your own effort. In these types of situations, I always try to remember that. As for Eli, he got the message. He sat quietly and watched his sister. At the end of the lesson he asked if he could have a hand stamp. When I told him that those were for kids who swam, he said, "Ok mom, I'll get one next time."
So today, for some odd reason, Eli decided to throw a weird fit about getting down the stairs first. It was one of those out of the blue behaviors that I haven't seen since before he was two, and for some reason he had decided this was the battle he was willing to fight. Leaving him on the floor to have a fit, I helped Evie get her swimsuit on and informed him that if he continued this behavior, he would lose his opportunity to swim. I was shocked that he didn't immediately calm down and start taking his clothes off--he loves swimming, and he is at an age where he can control his emotions pretty well. But for some reason, he wanted to push it, and not only did his behavior not improve, it got worse.
Parents often find themselves in this type of situation. They threaten to take something away that the parent wants to happen and the child loves, thinking that that will solve the problem. When it doesn't solve the problem, parents are often tempted to give a second chance, another opportunity for the child to change the behavior. But if kids think they can act horribly and will always be given a second chance, they are more likely to revisit this behavior again, expecting their parents to give them an out.
No out for Eli today. He sat fully clothed on my lap and watched Evie dive off the diving board, swim on her back, and receive hand stamps for great behavior. After packing the lunch and the bag, after spending the money for the lesson, after driving 25 minutes to get there, I told the teacher, "just one child today!" And because I made that decision, I am almost certain that it will never happen again.
One hard, natural consequence is about the fastest teaching tool you can give your kids--even if it means wasting a great deal of your own effort. In these types of situations, I always try to remember that. As for Eli, he got the message. He sat quietly and watched his sister. At the end of the lesson he asked if he could have a hand stamp. When I told him that those were for kids who swam, he said, "Ok mom, I'll get one next time."
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