Natural Rewards and Consequences

For generations parents have relied on bribes and threats in order to get their children to do the things they want them to do. However, if children are too often rewarded they begin to expect to get something any time they act appropriately. On the other hand, if they are threatened with punishment too often, they begin to see their parents as adversarial and they never learn to be self-motivated for the greater good.

So, if we are to reduce our threats and bribes, what are we to do? Here's the good news. Each and every day, life is filled with natural rewards and consequences that will teach the child authentically that certain actions pay, and others do not. For example, most days with children include something enjoyable like a fun activity at home or a trip out. Rather than nagging our children to get their shoes on quickly, we can relax and know that if they dally, they do not get to enjoy the fun activity. Letting a child miss an activity due to dallying teaches them volumes more than having a parent nag them. Another way to look at it is, we do not need to reward the behavior of getting himself dressed with a sticker on a chart, because his reward comes when he gets to experience the joy of the activity.

Another great example occurred with my kids yesterday. I had them both in the jogging stroller on the way home from the park, when Evie took off her shoes. She does this often and I find it to be annoying, but this time I just picked them up and put them in the back of the stroller, knowing that soon enough a consequence would come up naturally. As predicted, when we neared our street, Eli asked, "can I get out and walk?" When I told him he could I knew what was coming: "Can I get out and walk too?" My reply was, "Oh shoot, you don't have shoes on. Sorry honey." A fit ensued, as I knew it would. This showed me that she was indeed feeling the consequences of her action, and assured me that most likely, she will not take her shoes off next time.

I am a firm believer in letting our children experience natural consequences. If we protect them from their failures, they will never learn. Likewise, we should make sure that every day has opportunities for natural rewards--fun activities and special times they look forward to. Not only are they fun for everyone, but they also help encourage children to work through their responsibilities.

If we constantly put ourselves in between the child and life's natural consequences, we become an adversary to our children when we don't need to. When we impose an artificial reward, like a sticker or candy, the prize becomes the goal, and it detracts from the internal reward of pride and satisfaction.

When life can teach our children all by itself, great parents let it do so. And a wonderful side effect is, it's so much more peaceful than nagging and bribing. Isn't life beautiful?