Making the Hard Decisions--A personal experience

Let me set the stage. Eli and Evelyn have private swimming lessons. It is a wonderful program and they are learning a lot very quickly, which is why two times a week I pack up all of our swimming gear, (including my own, because it is less expensive if I swim with one of the kids), a lunch for the kids to eat in the car (complete with a fruit snack for the ride home so they don't fall asleep and ruin my, I mean their naptime), drive 25 minutes each way, and spend 15 minutes on each end of the lesson getting us all undressed, showered and taken to the bathroom, all for a 15-minute session in the pool. To put it mildly, it is a high cost to benefit ratio, and I haven't even mentioned the price!

So today, for some odd reason, Eli decided to throw a weird fit about getting down the stairs first. It was one of those out of the blue behaviors that I haven't seen since before he was two, and for some reason he had decided this was the battle he was willing to fight. Leaving him on the floor to have a fit, I helped Evie get her swimsuit on and informed him that if he continued this behavior, he would lose his opportunity to swim. I was shocked that he didn't immediately calm down and start taking his clothes off--he loves swimming, and he is at an age where he can control his emotions pretty well. But for some reason, he wanted to push it, and not only did his behavior not improve, it got worse.

Parents often find themselves in this type of situation. They threaten to take something away that the parent wants to happen and the child loves, thinking that that will solve the problem. When it doesn't solve the problem, parents are often tempted to give a second chance, another opportunity for the child to change the behavior. But if kids think they can act horribly and will always be given a second chance, they are more likely to revisit this behavior again, expecting their parents to give them an out.

No out for Eli today. He sat fully clothed on my lap and watched Evie dive off the diving board, swim on her back, and receive hand stamps for great behavior. After packing the lunch and the bag, after spending the money for the lesson, after driving 25 minutes to get there, I told the teacher, "just one child today!" And because I made that decision, I am almost certain that it will never happen again.

One hard, natural consequence is about the fastest teaching tool you can give your kids--even if it means wasting a great deal of your own effort. In these types of situations, I always try to remember that. As for Eli, he got the message. He sat quietly and watched his sister. At the end of the lesson he asked if he could have a hand stamp. When I told him that those were for kids who swam, he said, "Ok mom, I'll get one next time."

Tip for Tantrums

The Happiest Toddler on the Block has a tip for dealing with toddler tantrums called the "fast food rule." The premise is that toddlers, just like all of us, want to know their feelings are heard, and that if we report their feelings out loud to them in "toddler-ese," they will calm down faster, because they know we understand . So if they are having a fit about something it often helps to speak their feelings out loud to them with the sense of urgency that they feel. It is called the fast food rule because when you go to a drive up window and order what you want, they tell it right back to you exactly as you ordered it.

Here's an example: A toddler grabs an unsafe item, and you take it away, telling him it's not safe. A fit ensues. You say, "You're mad, mad, mad. You want the scissors, and you're mad!" Usually this will help them start to calm down, and then you can say, "Scissors aren't safe for kids though," and hand them something else that is. It sounds silly, but when toddlers are having tantrums, I recommend using any tool that works, and this seems to.

Never interrupt free creative play

Self-created, initiative-driven play is the best kind of play for children's brain development, so a good rule to remember is that when your children are independently playing nicely, don't ever interrupt it if you can avoid it. When your children make up their own games, engage in make-believe, and use their imaginations, this is evidence that they are developing cognitively, emotionally, socially, and also growing a healthy long attention span. These are the times to enjoy a moment to yourself and get something done, while basking in the knowledge that your kids are doing exactly what is best for them.

As I write this, one of my twins is pretending to be a kitten, and the other is leading her around the house on a "leash." I planned on taking them outside for a jogging stroller ride to the park. However, I will not do anything to disrupt the learning that is taking place, so we will go after this game has run its full course.

How to effectively offer choices

Offering choices for toddlers and preschoolers is very important, but needs to be done well. Giving choices is so effective because it helps young children feel like they have some power in their lives, which they desperately want. It also helps them comply happily to requests, because they are the ones choosing. Here are some tips for effectively offering choices to kids:

1. Offer two choices. Chocolate or vanilla, this shirt or that shirt, apple or banana. Kids can handle two options, but they get overwhelmed and stressed by too many options.

2. Make sure you can live with both choices you offer. Never offer a choice you can't live with, and decide before you offer it.

3. Use choice to help get the required daily things done. Here are some examples: Would you like to go potty now or in one minute? Would you like to clean up the puzzle first or the paints?
Would you like to brush teeth before or after putting pajamas on?

4. Offer choice very frequently, but not always. Kids need to learn that sometimes they don't get a choice. Meals might be a time when they don't get a choice, but always have one thing on their plate you know they like.

Respectfully Argue in Front of Your Kids

It's good practice in a marriage to "fight fair" anyway, so every couple should work to achieve a way to interact when they disagree that is still respectful and loving of their spouse. Once this is achieved, I think it's a great thing for children to occasionally see an argument in action.

Why? By seeing a respectful but heated discussion about an issue, children learn many positive life lessons:

1) You can love someone and still disagree with them. They will realize over time that love is not lost in an argument and if nurtured in a healthy, loving environment with occasional arguments, children will grow into adults who stand up for themselves and handle conflict appropriately and confidently when it arises. They will neither shy away from nor seek out conflict, but they will appropriately and maturely handle it when it comes up, because they are not afraid that it will mean the loss of love.

2) Everyone's right and wrong some of the time. By seeing you give in when you realize you are wrong, they will learn to be fair, logical, and seek the truth in situations, rather than seeking to be "right."

3) When you really believe in something, you should "fight" for it. If spouses can logically make arguments with reasons to support their points, children learn to think this way and learn that there are ideals worth standing up for. This helps them grow into adults with strong principles and the ability to defend those principles.

It goes without saying that parents should not fight, scream, yell, or curse at each other in front of the children. But I truly believe that healthy discourse, even a little heated at times, is a wonderful teaching tool, as long as it is done with respect and as long as the majority of interactions children observe in their parents are positive, supportive, and loving.

Toy Choices for Little Ones

Every choice we make for our children is a choice that helps shape them in one way or another. Toy selection is one choice that our parents didn't have to think very hard about, but in this day and age it is a whole different story.

Have you ever noticed that most of the toys today do all the work? A classic example is one my children were given when they were very little. It was an air blower that played music and blew balls through its tube when a button was pushed. All the child had do to was push a button, and the toy responded with flashy music and balls flying everywhere. The child did nothing but passively watch. The toddler has no decisions to make, no effort to put forth, no struggle to contend with. If he learns any type of message (and children are learning something from every experience!) it is that I have to do very little and the world entertains me.

Do you remember when leggos used to be just leggos and dolls were just dolls? Nowadays leggos come in sets with only one option for putting them together and many baby dolls do so many actions on their own there is nothing left for the child to do but watch it. Where is the creativity, the make believe, the decision-making on the part of the child?

In considering which toys to buy your little one ask yourself this question: Who is doing the "work" of play--the toy or the child?

Wonderful toys that are brain-development compatible for children allow the child to make the decisions about how to play with them. Some examples are building blocks, leggos (not leggo sets), dolls, trains, play dough, puppets, stuffed animals, blank paper, paints, and crayons, and jigsaw puzzles.

Most cities have privately owned toy stores that specialize in "kid-centered" toys. "Kazoodles" in Vancouver, Washington is a great one, and "Child's Play" on NW 23rd is another that's even larger. Another benefit of shopping in these types of stores is that you will not find television characters on every toy, which encourage children to get attached to some character so that your child begs you to watch that character on TV. The peace of mind you'll feel in knowing those toys encourage your child's own thinking is worth the extra money, and by supporting such stores you are supporting those values.

Often parents feel a pressure to keep their little ones entertained. Actually, when allowed free time and space to play independently and toys that spark creativity and wonder, children entertain themsleves in ways that help them grow into healthy thinkers and decision-makers.

For more information on this topic, read The Case for Make Believe by Susan Linn.

Tip of the Week: Grocery shopping with toddlers

I have never taken my twins to the grocery store without a sliced apple. First, it keeps them occupied for much of the trip so I can focus. Second, it is healthy and the only choice available, so I know they will eat it, and I feel good about that. Third, it can be used as bribery for behavior improvement if a need arises, and finally, it prevents them from asking for other, less healthy food they see in the bakery.