A friend of mine who is the director of a preschool told me that before the kids' performances and programs, she advises parents to leave the video cameras off, or at home. It reminds us to think about the experience from the child's perspective. He is up on stage wanting to share with mom and dad something he's worked hard on. He feels proud and excited as he scans the room for his mom and dad. Yet he doesn't see dad's face, as it is hidden behind a camera. Imagine his disappointment when dad isn't smiling and waving, but fiddling with some metal device.
Technology allows us to preserve events to be watched again at a later date. But nothing compares to fully experiencing a special moment with your child while it is happening. When we are fully present and aware of the entire moment in all its splendor, those precious events are stored in our hearts--and our child's hearts--forever.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Teachable Moment
If there's one thing my teaching career taught me it is to recognize the "teachable moment." It is that glimpse of time when the child is ready to hear what you have to offer, and if you can recognize it and seize it, you will do wonders for a young one.
With toddlers and preschoolers it can be difficult to recognize the teachable moment, because so often they eagerly want to "do it themselves" (even if they are incapable of doing so) that they often resist a parent's help. Also, toddlers and preschoolers behavior can be so off-putting at times, that one's initial reaction is to scold, lecture, or threaten punishment, rather than teach and guide.
However, most often kids just need their parents to tune in to what is behind their words and teach in a way that will reach them. Lecturing is often ineffective, because it feels repellent to a child who does want to figure it out for himself. Using stories is a terrific way to seize the teachable moment with 3 to 6 year olds, because children love stories, and because it feels less like being told what to do or how to do it.
A teachable moment happened this morning with my daughter. I was able to seize the moment because I was in a place of peace after having a little exercise and a productive, happy morning. She was trying to put on her doll's clothes and was getting frustrated, fussing, and asking for me to do it for her. My, "Honey, you can do it"s were met with "I can't, do it. I CAN'T!" Something in me saw the teachable moment and what was behind her words. She felt she needed some help, and perhaps she was just wanting some attention too. I stopped, got down on her level, and said, "Honey, you know what? When you say "I can't," your brain sends that message to your body, and then your hands don't work right. Look." Then aloud I said, "I can't" and attempted to clap my hands, but missed contact. Then I said, "I think I can" and clapped my hands together loudly and triumphantly. "If you say, "I think I can" that sends the message to your hands that you can do it, and then they work better! Here's how this doll top is supposed to go. Now, try saying "I think I can" and see if you can get your hands to work better."
There are a few things I want to remind myself about this encounter. 1) I was able to see the teachable moment because I myself was cared for and ready to be a great mom. 2) When I take the time to use a story or creative way to teach, we both end up more content and feeling closer to each other, and 3) Most of the time if I can listen for what is behind the words and tune into that, I can see an effective way to handle it.
Take care, and enjoy your teachable moments.
With toddlers and preschoolers it can be difficult to recognize the teachable moment, because so often they eagerly want to "do it themselves" (even if they are incapable of doing so) that they often resist a parent's help. Also, toddlers and preschoolers behavior can be so off-putting at times, that one's initial reaction is to scold, lecture, or threaten punishment, rather than teach and guide.
However, most often kids just need their parents to tune in to what is behind their words and teach in a way that will reach them. Lecturing is often ineffective, because it feels repellent to a child who does want to figure it out for himself. Using stories is a terrific way to seize the teachable moment with 3 to 6 year olds, because children love stories, and because it feels less like being told what to do or how to do it.
A teachable moment happened this morning with my daughter. I was able to seize the moment because I was in a place of peace after having a little exercise and a productive, happy morning. She was trying to put on her doll's clothes and was getting frustrated, fussing, and asking for me to do it for her. My, "Honey, you can do it"s were met with "I can't, do it. I CAN'T!" Something in me saw the teachable moment and what was behind her words. She felt she needed some help, and perhaps she was just wanting some attention too. I stopped, got down on her level, and said, "Honey, you know what? When you say "I can't," your brain sends that message to your body, and then your hands don't work right. Look." Then aloud I said, "I can't" and attempted to clap my hands, but missed contact. Then I said, "I think I can" and clapped my hands together loudly and triumphantly. "If you say, "I think I can" that sends the message to your hands that you can do it, and then they work better! Here's how this doll top is supposed to go. Now, try saying "I think I can" and see if you can get your hands to work better."
There are a few things I want to remind myself about this encounter. 1) I was able to see the teachable moment because I myself was cared for and ready to be a great mom. 2) When I take the time to use a story or creative way to teach, we both end up more content and feeling closer to each other, and 3) Most of the time if I can listen for what is behind the words and tune into that, I can see an effective way to handle it.
Take care, and enjoy your teachable moments.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Three Qualities of Great Teachers and Parents
Think back to your favorite teacher in school, the one who made the most impact on your life. Which qualities did they embody that made them great? I am willing to bet that the qualities you came up with fall into one of three categories:
1) Having high expectations for you. Great role models are great because by having high expectations for their pupils, they teach them that students are capable of more than they once knew. Every child wants to feel competent and strong, but almost every human being needs someone to push them a little outside of their comfort zone in order to find out how good they can be.
2) Connecting to you as an individual. Some teachers are great because they make students believe that they matter. By showing a sincere interest in them, taking time to ask what's going on in their world, and sharing a little of themselves, these teachers build a child's self-concept by makeing them feel worthy of the teacher's time.
3) Offering some choice or freedom. The best teachers give students choices about how they learn and how they might show what they've learned, which allows them to assimilate new knowledge into an already stong passion or talent. It also shows trust to students who have proven they can handle some freedom and responsibility. When shown trust, most students want to be worthy of it, and they rise to meet the challenge.
These three categories represent what all children desire from their parents, teachers, and role models. My personal theory is that good parents embody all of these traits, and this helps them to raise children who know they are loved, know their own competence, and can handle responsibility and choices.
1) Having high expectations for you. Great role models are great because by having high expectations for their pupils, they teach them that students are capable of more than they once knew. Every child wants to feel competent and strong, but almost every human being needs someone to push them a little outside of their comfort zone in order to find out how good they can be.
2) Connecting to you as an individual. Some teachers are great because they make students believe that they matter. By showing a sincere interest in them, taking time to ask what's going on in their world, and sharing a little of themselves, these teachers build a child's self-concept by makeing them feel worthy of the teacher's time.
3) Offering some choice or freedom. The best teachers give students choices about how they learn and how they might show what they've learned, which allows them to assimilate new knowledge into an already stong passion or talent. It also shows trust to students who have proven they can handle some freedom and responsibility. When shown trust, most students want to be worthy of it, and they rise to meet the challenge.
These three categories represent what all children desire from their parents, teachers, and role models. My personal theory is that good parents embody all of these traits, and this helps them to raise children who know they are loved, know their own competence, and can handle responsibility and choices.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Natural Rewards and Consequences
For generations parents have relied on bribes and threats in order to get their children to do the things they want them to do. However, if children are too often rewarded they begin to expect to get something any time they act appropriately. On the other hand, if they are threatened with punishment too often, they begin to see their parents as adversarial and they never learn to be self-motivated for the greater good.
So, if we are to reduce our threats and bribes, what are we to do? Here's the good news. Each and every day, life is filled with natural rewards and consequences that will teach the child authentically that certain actions pay, and others do not. For example, most days with children include something enjoyable like a fun activity at home or a trip out. Rather than nagging our children to get their shoes on quickly, we can relax and know that if they dally, they do not get to enjoy the fun activity. Letting a child miss an activity due to dallying teaches them volumes more than having a parent nag them. Another way to look at it is, we do not need to reward the behavior of getting himself dressed with a sticker on a chart, because his reward comes when he gets to experience the joy of the activity.
Another great example occurred with my kids yesterday. I had them both in the jogging stroller on the way home from the park, when Evie took off her shoes. She does this often and I find it to be annoying, but this time I just picked them up and put them in the back of the stroller, knowing that soon enough a consequence would come up naturally. As predicted, when we neared our street, Eli asked, "can I get out and walk?" When I told him he could I knew what was coming: "Can I get out and walk too?" My reply was, "Oh shoot, you don't have shoes on. Sorry honey." A fit ensued, as I knew it would. This showed me that she was indeed feeling the consequences of her action, and assured me that most likely, she will not take her shoes off next time.
I am a firm believer in letting our children experience natural consequences. If we protect them from their failures, they will never learn. Likewise, we should make sure that every day has opportunities for natural rewards--fun activities and special times they look forward to. Not only are they fun for everyone, but they also help encourage children to work through their responsibilities.
If we constantly put ourselves in between the child and life's natural consequences, we become an adversary to our children when we don't need to. When we impose an artificial reward, like a sticker or candy, the prize becomes the goal, and it detracts from the internal reward of pride and satisfaction.
When life can teach our children all by itself, great parents let it do so. And a wonderful side effect is, it's so much more peaceful than nagging and bribing. Isn't life beautiful?
So, if we are to reduce our threats and bribes, what are we to do? Here's the good news. Each and every day, life is filled with natural rewards and consequences that will teach the child authentically that certain actions pay, and others do not. For example, most days with children include something enjoyable like a fun activity at home or a trip out. Rather than nagging our children to get their shoes on quickly, we can relax and know that if they dally, they do not get to enjoy the fun activity. Letting a child miss an activity due to dallying teaches them volumes more than having a parent nag them. Another way to look at it is, we do not need to reward the behavior of getting himself dressed with a sticker on a chart, because his reward comes when he gets to experience the joy of the activity.
Another great example occurred with my kids yesterday. I had them both in the jogging stroller on the way home from the park, when Evie took off her shoes. She does this often and I find it to be annoying, but this time I just picked them up and put them in the back of the stroller, knowing that soon enough a consequence would come up naturally. As predicted, when we neared our street, Eli asked, "can I get out and walk?" When I told him he could I knew what was coming: "Can I get out and walk too?" My reply was, "Oh shoot, you don't have shoes on. Sorry honey." A fit ensued, as I knew it would. This showed me that she was indeed feeling the consequences of her action, and assured me that most likely, she will not take her shoes off next time.
I am a firm believer in letting our children experience natural consequences. If we protect them from their failures, they will never learn. Likewise, we should make sure that every day has opportunities for natural rewards--fun activities and special times they look forward to. Not only are they fun for everyone, but they also help encourage children to work through their responsibilities.
If we constantly put ourselves in between the child and life's natural consequences, we become an adversary to our children when we don't need to. When we impose an artificial reward, like a sticker or candy, the prize becomes the goal, and it detracts from the internal reward of pride and satisfaction.
When life can teach our children all by itself, great parents let it do so. And a wonderful side effect is, it's so much more peaceful than nagging and bribing. Isn't life beautiful?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Food for Thought
Before I had my children I observed families closely, and one thing I was bound and determined not to have was picky eaters. I still don't know for sure whether picky eaters are born or made, but I am very happy with the approach we have taken with food. Friends and relatives have remarked how well our children eat real food without a fuss, so I thought I would share what has worked for us.
1) Make one meal at mealtime. If you start this approach from the time your children are babies, they will develop good habits of eating the food that is served. This rule goes hand in hand with #2 though.
2) Include at least one thing you know your child will like at every meal. This will insure that your child will eat something at each meal time and when he asks for more of the item he likes, you can let him know that he can after he eats the other foods.
3) Talk with children about what food does for the body. "This one helps you grow, that gives you energy to play, and those help keep you from getting sick!" When your kids understand from a very young age that food is something your body needs to do all the things it does, they no longer think of food as simply for pleasure and taste. Then if they encounter a food they don't care for, they can easily understand that it just needs to get into their body, even if it isn't pleasant going down. I will often say, "well, your body needs it, so you don't have to like it, but you do have to get it down to your body." Amazingly, they understand this and follow suit. Another benefit to this tip is that it sets the foundation for understanding about the importance of a balanced diet.
4) A little dessert is fine if the child has eaten his dinner. Dessert is a great motivator, and doesn't have to be an overindulgent one. We keep Jelly Bellies in the house, and often the kids will be allowed 5 or 6 of them if they eat a good dinner. That adds up to about 25 calories, and yet because each one is a different flavor, they are very excited to see what flavors they get. Dessert is never given unless they eat a good dinner first though.
5) Make meal time enjoyable with good conversation and story telling. Set a positive tone around mealtimes so that children enjoy this time together with you. This will set the stage for the coming together time that is such an important daily ritual. Be happy, talk about the day ahead at breakfast and reflect back on the day at dinner time.
6) Keep your little ones strapped in as long as possible! We still have our twins in their booster chairs with trays on them and they are 3 and a half. Why? Because we want it to instill the idea that at mealtimes we sit and eat, and leave the table when we are asked to be excused. By the time they move to big chairs, this will be automatic and won't require managing. It also works as incentive to work on good table manners. "When we get really good at using our forks and wiping our hands on napkins, we will get rid of the kid chairs and let you eat at the big table!"
7) Children ask to be excused from the table. This allows you to look at how they've done and require that some more bites of vegetables get eaten before they get down. If you've done a good job with number 3, they won't think you're torturing them. They will understand that their body needs the veggies. It also instills that we ask before we do certain things, which carries over into classroom etiquette and other rules in your home.
1) Make one meal at mealtime. If you start this approach from the time your children are babies, they will develop good habits of eating the food that is served. This rule goes hand in hand with #2 though.
2) Include at least one thing you know your child will like at every meal. This will insure that your child will eat something at each meal time and when he asks for more of the item he likes, you can let him know that he can after he eats the other foods.
3) Talk with children about what food does for the body. "This one helps you grow, that gives you energy to play, and those help keep you from getting sick!" When your kids understand from a very young age that food is something your body needs to do all the things it does, they no longer think of food as simply for pleasure and taste. Then if they encounter a food they don't care for, they can easily understand that it just needs to get into their body, even if it isn't pleasant going down. I will often say, "well, your body needs it, so you don't have to like it, but you do have to get it down to your body." Amazingly, they understand this and follow suit. Another benefit to this tip is that it sets the foundation for understanding about the importance of a balanced diet.
4) A little dessert is fine if the child has eaten his dinner. Dessert is a great motivator, and doesn't have to be an overindulgent one. We keep Jelly Bellies in the house, and often the kids will be allowed 5 or 6 of them if they eat a good dinner. That adds up to about 25 calories, and yet because each one is a different flavor, they are very excited to see what flavors they get. Dessert is never given unless they eat a good dinner first though.
5) Make meal time enjoyable with good conversation and story telling. Set a positive tone around mealtimes so that children enjoy this time together with you. This will set the stage for the coming together time that is such an important daily ritual. Be happy, talk about the day ahead at breakfast and reflect back on the day at dinner time.
6) Keep your little ones strapped in as long as possible! We still have our twins in their booster chairs with trays on them and they are 3 and a half. Why? Because we want it to instill the idea that at mealtimes we sit and eat, and leave the table when we are asked to be excused. By the time they move to big chairs, this will be automatic and won't require managing. It also works as incentive to work on good table manners. "When we get really good at using our forks and wiping our hands on napkins, we will get rid of the kid chairs and let you eat at the big table!"
7) Children ask to be excused from the table. This allows you to look at how they've done and require that some more bites of vegetables get eaten before they get down. If you've done a good job with number 3, they won't think you're torturing them. They will understand that their body needs the veggies. It also instills that we ask before we do certain things, which carries over into classroom etiquette and other rules in your home.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Create a home environment that reflects your values
Once parents have defined their deepest core values, they can take some great steps to creating an "intentional environment,"--a home that reflects and encourages the growth of those values. Here are some questions to reflect upon if you'd like to create a more intentional home environment.
1) What toys are allowed in my home? Why?
We as parents have the power to choose toys for our children that support them in whatever value they have. For example, toys that are "kid-powered," put the child in a creative role rather than a reactive one. Princess attire, if overdone, can send a message about valuing beauty rather than creativity or thinking. Guns and swords suggest a scary world where monsters or other people need to be slain. Parents have every right to choose and monitor which toys their children play with, and wonderful toy stores abound that have positive, constructive, creative learning and play in mind. When a friend or relative gives the gift of a toy that does not match our intentional environment, we don't have to make an uncomfortable scene, but can simply rotate the toy "out" once the guest has left.
2) How do we spend our time together?
Having consistent time spent talking and relating to one another sends the message that we as a family communicate regularly to build and strengthen our relationship. Time outdoors reflects the value of nature. Creating a ritual of dancing when the family comes back together after work values celebration and joy of living. It takes just a little effort to become more intentional about the little things a family does together, and yet it makes a lasting impression on your children.
3) What outside values do we let into our family's sphere?
It is always tough to find balance between creating a life around our own values and preparing children for the outside world. However, one thing many parents do not realize is that the television is more than an entertainment machine, it is a values machine. Millions of dollars are spent every year to influence your children to beg you to buy them things. Advertising's only goal is to get you to spend money, not to promote constructive values. Being very choosy about programs and how much time is spent watching television is crucial for creating an intentional environment.
4) How do my spouse and I interact in good times and bad?
Our children will take so much more from what we do than what you say, so one of the first places parents can look is within their relationship. Couples who have developed some rules for "fighting fair" are modeling how to disagree respectfully. It's okay for children to see us argue occasionally, but if we can retain respect when we do so, they will learn how to express their opinions with respect as well.
Flourishing families have one thing in common. They know why they do the things they do. It's a simple little thing that makes a world of difference.
1) What toys are allowed in my home? Why?
We as parents have the power to choose toys for our children that support them in whatever value they have. For example, toys that are "kid-powered," put the child in a creative role rather than a reactive one. Princess attire, if overdone, can send a message about valuing beauty rather than creativity or thinking. Guns and swords suggest a scary world where monsters or other people need to be slain. Parents have every right to choose and monitor which toys their children play with, and wonderful toy stores abound that have positive, constructive, creative learning and play in mind. When a friend or relative gives the gift of a toy that does not match our intentional environment, we don't have to make an uncomfortable scene, but can simply rotate the toy "out" once the guest has left.
2) How do we spend our time together?
Having consistent time spent talking and relating to one another sends the message that we as a family communicate regularly to build and strengthen our relationship. Time outdoors reflects the value of nature. Creating a ritual of dancing when the family comes back together after work values celebration and joy of living. It takes just a little effort to become more intentional about the little things a family does together, and yet it makes a lasting impression on your children.
3) What outside values do we let into our family's sphere?
It is always tough to find balance between creating a life around our own values and preparing children for the outside world. However, one thing many parents do not realize is that the television is more than an entertainment machine, it is a values machine. Millions of dollars are spent every year to influence your children to beg you to buy them things. Advertising's only goal is to get you to spend money, not to promote constructive values. Being very choosy about programs and how much time is spent watching television is crucial for creating an intentional environment.
4) How do my spouse and I interact in good times and bad?
Our children will take so much more from what we do than what you say, so one of the first places parents can look is within their relationship. Couples who have developed some rules for "fighting fair" are modeling how to disagree respectfully. It's okay for children to see us argue occasionally, but if we can retain respect when we do so, they will learn how to express their opinions with respect as well.
Flourishing families have one thing in common. They know why they do the things they do. It's a simple little thing that makes a world of difference.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Three Child-Rearing Types
Each school year I taught about 120 teenage students and therefore had the opportunity to work with 120 sets of parents. So in ten years of teaching I observed glimpses of the family dynamics of 1200 families and paid close attention to the type of parenting I noticed as correlated with the success or struggles their children had emotionally, socially, and academically. Most of what I observed came in parent-teacher conferences, as we would most often have the student and parents present together. With all that observational data, I developed a hypothesis. There was a certain parenting formula that seemed to breed success.
I would like to define success here. I am not only talking about high achievers and 4.0 students. I am thinking of students who seemed happy, worked to their potential, handled challenges, and showed motivation. Some of these were the 4.0 students, and others were B or C students who were working at the peak of their capacity.
The parents of students who fit the above description had high yet reasonable expectations for their children. They challenged them to do the best they could, but did not have black and white, "No C's in this family" type rules. They knew what their children were capable of and expected, challenged, and encouraged them to work at that level.
There was also a great deal of mutual trust--they communicated authentically with their children instead of taking on a "parent persona". Their children also communicated authentically with their parents, explaining where they were having trouble, admitting when they made mistakes, and celebrating success with their folks. Clearly a strong, trusting relationship had been built over time. These parents spent most of the conference time talking with their child rather than with me. I could see the love, respect, and trust between them. These conferences always warmed my heart.
They were definitely the leaders of the family, but had successfully learned when to guide and when to let the child take charge. This gave their children a sense of ownership over their own projects, classes, and activities. They listened to their kids and asked for their thoughts, yet set clear boundaries and said "no" when it was necessary. When they did set boundaries, the children did not question them, at least not in front of their teachers.
On the other hand, parents whose students did not do well most often fell into one of three categories: over-controlling, out of touch, or too permissive.
The over-controlling parents would come with a notebook, engage the teacher immediately and hardly glance at the child, who was most often daydreaming while staring out the window. The child knew that his mom or dad was taking charge of this situation. The child's education was his parents' baby, not his own. The parent wanted to know which assignments were missing and which could still be turned in, writing it all down. This parent would leave the conference saying something like, "Thank you. We'll take care of this. Come on Spencer, let's go."
The out of touch parent came in with no idea that the child was struggling, because somewhere along the line he had lost his connection with the child. The out of touch parent was most often rushing in, dressed in business attire, was looking around the classroom because it was the first time he'd seen it, and wanted to get through the conference quickly. He had few questions to ask, and was surprised to hear about all the things that were going on in the classroom and with his child. He was not involved with the child enough, and the child was beginning to rebel, probably after years of trying to gain attention in other ways.
Finally, the permissive parent would walk in sheepishly, embarrassed and fearful about what the teacher was going to say or what the child might do. The child would often doodle during the conference, respond to questions with "I dunno" type answers, and the parent would look at us and shrug her shoulders. This parent had lost control years ago and seemed to be desperately hoping the kid would somehow graduate and get a job despite that fact.
Research has shown that my hypothesis has some merit. Of the three general child-rearing types--authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive-- the authoritative type has the greatest success rate in raising strong, happy, intrinsically motivated and self-actualized young people. The other two types more often than not cause some problems and do not help children reach their greatest potential.
Authoritarian parents are so in charge that they do not effectively tune into their children. They may have very orderly homes and well-behaved, disciplined children, but the children have often not learned to think for themselves or express their opinions. They most often are extrinsically motivated by fear of consequences rather than intrinsically motivated by their own drive and passion. Over time, children of authoritarian parents are at risk for dramatic rebellion, as they may feel they can no longer fit the mold their parents have put in place for them and feel a strong need to find things out for themselves. On the other hand, they may be overly passive and submissive throughout their lives.
Authoritative parents set high yet reasonable expectations for their children, set clear boundaries of what is appropriate and inappropriate, and yet they have developed a strong relationship of trust with their children by listening to their children and supporting their inner selves.
Permissive parents have low expectations for their children and if they set boundaries, they are often unclear. Unclear boundaries invite testing, so their children learn that they can get away with a great deal, rarely having consequences. Over time, these children do not develop a sense of inner competence and can have low self-esteem. They may not be able to handle taking direction from others, persevering through a challenge, and may have formed a pattern of taking the easy way out of most situations.
For more information on these child-rearing types, click here.
The greatest factor for how people fall into these categories is how they themselves were raised. So people who were raised permissively are at risk of becoming permissive parents themselves or possibly becoming authoritarian out of the desire to be nothing like their parents. It is so vital for all parents to find the authoritative balance, and without a strong parental example, it often takes some "change agent" or catalyst to help them observe the situation objectively.
The ten years of observing parents certainly painted a clear picture for me what type of parent I wanted to become, and I felt it was a profound advantage I had entering into parenthood. Even so, being a mom still feels like a tightrope walk sometimes. From one moment to the next it is still not easy to know when to expect more from my kids and when to lovingly comfort them. When I find myself navigating those gray areas, I try to remember that if I lean over too far on one side from time to time, the strength of the relationship I have with my kids will allow it. We don't need to be perfect, we just need to try to be.
I would like to define success here. I am not only talking about high achievers and 4.0 students. I am thinking of students who seemed happy, worked to their potential, handled challenges, and showed motivation. Some of these were the 4.0 students, and others were B or C students who were working at the peak of their capacity.
The parents of students who fit the above description had high yet reasonable expectations for their children. They challenged them to do the best they could, but did not have black and white, "No C's in this family" type rules. They knew what their children were capable of and expected, challenged, and encouraged them to work at that level.
There was also a great deal of mutual trust--they communicated authentically with their children instead of taking on a "parent persona". Their children also communicated authentically with their parents, explaining where they were having trouble, admitting when they made mistakes, and celebrating success with their folks. Clearly a strong, trusting relationship had been built over time. These parents spent most of the conference time talking with their child rather than with me. I could see the love, respect, and trust between them. These conferences always warmed my heart.
They were definitely the leaders of the family, but had successfully learned when to guide and when to let the child take charge. This gave their children a sense of ownership over their own projects, classes, and activities. They listened to their kids and asked for their thoughts, yet set clear boundaries and said "no" when it was necessary. When they did set boundaries, the children did not question them, at least not in front of their teachers.
On the other hand, parents whose students did not do well most often fell into one of three categories: over-controlling, out of touch, or too permissive.
The over-controlling parents would come with a notebook, engage the teacher immediately and hardly glance at the child, who was most often daydreaming while staring out the window. The child knew that his mom or dad was taking charge of this situation. The child's education was his parents' baby, not his own. The parent wanted to know which assignments were missing and which could still be turned in, writing it all down. This parent would leave the conference saying something like, "Thank you. We'll take care of this. Come on Spencer, let's go."
The out of touch parent came in with no idea that the child was struggling, because somewhere along the line he had lost his connection with the child. The out of touch parent was most often rushing in, dressed in business attire, was looking around the classroom because it was the first time he'd seen it, and wanted to get through the conference quickly. He had few questions to ask, and was surprised to hear about all the things that were going on in the classroom and with his child. He was not involved with the child enough, and the child was beginning to rebel, probably after years of trying to gain attention in other ways.
Finally, the permissive parent would walk in sheepishly, embarrassed and fearful about what the teacher was going to say or what the child might do. The child would often doodle during the conference, respond to questions with "I dunno" type answers, and the parent would look at us and shrug her shoulders. This parent had lost control years ago and seemed to be desperately hoping the kid would somehow graduate and get a job despite that fact.
Research has shown that my hypothesis has some merit. Of the three general child-rearing types--authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive-- the authoritative type has the greatest success rate in raising strong, happy, intrinsically motivated and self-actualized young people. The other two types more often than not cause some problems and do not help children reach their greatest potential.
Authoritarian parents are so in charge that they do not effectively tune into their children. They may have very orderly homes and well-behaved, disciplined children, but the children have often not learned to think for themselves or express their opinions. They most often are extrinsically motivated by fear of consequences rather than intrinsically motivated by their own drive and passion. Over time, children of authoritarian parents are at risk for dramatic rebellion, as they may feel they can no longer fit the mold their parents have put in place for them and feel a strong need to find things out for themselves. On the other hand, they may be overly passive and submissive throughout their lives.
Authoritative parents set high yet reasonable expectations for their children, set clear boundaries of what is appropriate and inappropriate, and yet they have developed a strong relationship of trust with their children by listening to their children and supporting their inner selves.
Permissive parents have low expectations for their children and if they set boundaries, they are often unclear. Unclear boundaries invite testing, so their children learn that they can get away with a great deal, rarely having consequences. Over time, these children do not develop a sense of inner competence and can have low self-esteem. They may not be able to handle taking direction from others, persevering through a challenge, and may have formed a pattern of taking the easy way out of most situations.
For more information on these child-rearing types, click here.
The greatest factor for how people fall into these categories is how they themselves were raised. So people who were raised permissively are at risk of becoming permissive parents themselves or possibly becoming authoritarian out of the desire to be nothing like their parents. It is so vital for all parents to find the authoritative balance, and without a strong parental example, it often takes some "change agent" or catalyst to help them observe the situation objectively.
The ten years of observing parents certainly painted a clear picture for me what type of parent I wanted to become, and I felt it was a profound advantage I had entering into parenthood. Even so, being a mom still feels like a tightrope walk sometimes. From one moment to the next it is still not easy to know when to expect more from my kids and when to lovingly comfort them. When I find myself navigating those gray areas, I try to remember that if I lean over too far on one side from time to time, the strength of the relationship I have with my kids will allow it. We don't need to be perfect, we just need to try to be.
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